Lost Souls
by Diamondchild
Summary: Ana is lost, and alone in her own world. She gave herself to someone thinking it was love, in return she lost herself and must try to over come those hurdles when her biggest battle as only begun. This tale is a little darker then what I normally right. Deals with depression... no cheating..
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I couldn't get this story out of my head, and for me to finish anything else this had to go. This will be a short story… I pounded out the words very quickly.I wrote this slightly different then I usually write.**

 **Ana's POV will be mostly her inner dialogue. That way you can get a just of how she's feeling. This tale is a little darker then what I normally write.**

 **They meet the same way they do in the book, but Ana ends up signing the contract.**

I've been his sub for two months now. For two months, I feel like my soul is being sucked out of me.

You might ask why I don't just leave. I can't. I mean I guess I can. But I signed a contract. A contract that basically says I'm his and I have to do whatever he says.

When I first signed, I was hoping he would want more with me. It took me three weeks before I buckled down I signed the damn thing.

He told me at one point he wanted more. I haven't seen it.

Then he showed me his worst.

The cane to my ass. My first real punishment, other than the simple spankings he gave me with his hand.

The pain that lashed through me at that moment. I was too scared, lost, to even think of safe wording. When he was done, he took care of me. The sex we had afterwards, was almost sweet and tender. He didn't fuck me hard that day. I didn't understand how he could be so curl one moment, and loving the next.

I should of ran that day, but I didn't. I was still in my naive thoughts that he wanted _me, for me._

I remember the feeling of being in love with him, I still think I might be, but I'm not even sure myself.

Do I even know what love really is?

I feel like the light I once had is gone. I feel as I'm going through the motions. I know people around me are starting to notice, even _he_ is starting to pick up the difference in me.

Not that he really cares, right?

As long as he gets his.

So, here I am, standing in front of his penthouse, for another weekend of being tied up and fucked. Another weekend of losing myself.

I've lost my identity to a man I think I love, but who can never love me.

The elevator dings and I arrive to his penthouse, his Ivory Tower, that contains a room of pain. I have no idea if I really find the pleasure in it anymore.

I was new to this, I was a virgin, when he propositioned me for this. I thought I could learn, for him. I wanted him and would do anything for him.

Now, I'm a zombie.

I'm one of _them._

I'm ghost girl.

But, I'm with him.

I walk past the foyer where he greets me. My head is down and I can't look at him. He's my Master, he is now in full control of me.

I instantly notice his bare feet and ripped jeans.

"Anastasia," He walks close to me, I can smell his intoxicating scent. In a way I missed him this week, in a way I also haven't.

He puts his finger under my chin and lifts it up to look at me.

His grey eyes bore into my baby blues. He stares at me, his eyes darkening. And I'm not sure if it's with lust or anger.  
Maybe both.

He confuses me all the time.

"Have you been eating?"

 _Fuck_

My appetite has been nothing these past few weeks. I tried eating a banana and it made me sick. I rarely eat anything when I'm not with him. When I'm with him I have to eat, I force myself to eat three square meals in his presence.

Thankfully, I made sure the food issues stated in the contract were changed, and I didn't have to follow them when I wasn't with him. My only promise that I was to eat.

I guess I have broken that promise.

"Answer me, Anastasia."

I gulp and know what is about to come.

"No, sir. I haven't been well." It's not totally a lie.

"Why didn't you tell me?" His eyes bore into me more, they almost show his concern, his worry.

"I'm sorry, sir."

He sighs, dropping his hand from my chin.

"I want you in the playroom, in ten minutes."

"Yes, sir." I drop my gaze down to the floor.

He turns around and I watch his feet leave the room. I take my bag and walk to my room.

The Sub Room.

Where all the other souls before me stayed.

Fifteen in all.

Some handle it better than I ever could. The lifestyle that was made for them. A want that they desired.

I know of only one that was lost before I was.

It didn't turn out well for her in the end either.

 _Ghost Girl_

She still haunts my thoughts. She stalked me for weeks in the beginning of my relationship with _him._

Then she came into the penthouse house while I was here by myself.

She flipped out, wondered why I was there on a Tuesday. How I could be given more. I tried to tell her, I haven't been given more.

She didn't believe me. Said she saw me sleep in his bed.

Then before I know it, she grabs a knife and cuts open her wrist in front of me.

I called 911 but I was too late.

She died on the way there.

I made him promise I wouldn't end up like her, he promised I wouldn't.

He told me she had a lot more problems then just him not wanting more.

He promised.

But here I am.

Someone now lost in my own inner turmoil. Alone.

I should have left then.

I should have left a lot of times.

Yet, I remain.

Now I stare at myself in the mirror.

I'm pale, my eyes too big for my face. My brown hair fanned around my face, the same as the others.

I am just one of them.

No longer myself.

I'm in the playroom. I strip my clothes off and kneel at the door, waiting for my Master.

Ten minutes go by as I wait for him.

My knees are starting to ache from the wood floor.

For a man that makes everyone else be on time, he sure knows how to be late and make me wait.

I would roll my eyes, but with my luck he would catch me.

I finally hear the door open and his feet pad across the floor.

"Stand, Anastasia."

I do as he tells me and stand before him, my head still bowed. I notice that he's walking around me.

What for?

"You've lost weight, Anastasia. This weekend I expect you to eat. I might have to make you stay with me this week, just to insure you do."

"Yes, sir."

The thought makes my stomach go into more knots than before. I don't want to eat.

But, I don't want my ass red either.

He's quiet, standing there looking at me.

"Go lay on the bed, on your back."

I obey and go lay on the bed. He comes over to me and ties my arms to the bed. A mask goes over my eyes. I'm in total darkness, much like my life now.

There hasn't been light in months.

"You're too thin, Anastasia." He reprimands me again.

"Sorry, sir." I whisper. My weight is about the only thing I can control. Because all my control has been given to him.

I vaguely feel the flogger against my skin. I think my body is responding, I haven't heard him say otherwise.

I feel the wetness of his tongue between my legs. He used to be able to get me off with just the flick of his tongue, for some reason now it's like sandpaper. My mind floats to somewhere else.

I'm actually thinking about Kate and Elliot. How lucky Kate is to be in a relationship with someone that loves them back. She's always going on and on about him. Kate is never even home anymore. In a way, it's good. I can hide and nobody can see my pain.

Nobody can ask questions..

The other day she told me they were talking about moving in together.

Must be nice, to see your future happiness.

I distinctly feel him insert his fingers in me, and suck hard on my clit.

Nothing, I truly feel nothing.

Maybe, I should concentrate.

"Ana…" I hear him growl. I guess he's getting frustrated with me.

He stops his assault and I feel his face in front of me. He slams his lips to my mouth, and I remember that I should kiss him back.

I relish for a moment in his tender kiss. It's different this time. But, I'm not sure how.

He removes the blindfold from me and is staring at me. His grey eyes determined.

 _To what? Make me cum?_

Sometimes I feel like I'm his own personal cum bucket.

There's a term I never thought I would use. I need to stop watching late night TV.

He slams into me, hard. It's painful this time. I can't help but scrunch my face. It didn't even hurt like this when I lost my virginity to him.

"Come on baby," He trusts. His eyes meet mine again. "Relax." He whispers.

He kisses me again, circling his hips around.

And the only thing I can think of is that damn _Frankie goes Hollywood song._

I feel him undo my arms from the bed.

He picks me up and flips me over. "Hands and Knees, Anastasia."

I do as I'm told. Now I'm doggy style on the bed. I feel the harsh sting across my ass. He's not happy with me. Another slap, before grabs my hips and he plunges in me again.

"Damnit, Ana. Come." He grits out, as he continues to slam into me.

I feel him spill into me, my orgasm never reached.

He pulls out of me harshly.

"What the fuck was that, Anastasia?" He yells at me.

"I'm sorry, Sir."

"Sorry?" He spits out. I can hear him pacing back and forth. My ass is still out in the air. I'm not sure what to do now. He hasn't given me any direction.

I feel a blanket go over me. He sits on the bed next to me. He grabs me and I fall into his lap.

I don't look at him, as he brushes my hair back.

He says nothing. And I relax to his calm demeanor. He's kissing my neck and my shoulders

 _Shouldn't he be yelling at me?_

 _The man confuses the hell out of me._

"You didn't come?" He says softly. "Where were you?"

"I'm sorry, Sir." Is all I say. I don't know where I was. Escaping I think.

He doesn't say anything else, as he keeps holding me in his arms.

This is one of the reasons why I can love him. He told me, he's never just held a Sub. It's some of the more he has given me. It's not much, but it's something.

I guess.

He lifts me up in his arms and carries me to my bedroom. He lays me down and still says nothing. He covers me with the blanket and sits on the edge of the bed, I think just staring at me.

I have found him a couple of times sleeping in a chair next to my bed or laying next to me. I never told him that I see him, he's usually gone before I wake again.

"I want you to get dressed and come down and have dinner in twenty minutes." He tells me softly. "I have something already made for tonight."

"Yes, Sir."

He rolls me over and has me look at him again. There's an unnamed emotion in his eyes, I can't read it. He seems as he's about to say something, but he doesn't. He leans down and kisses my forehead, before exiting the room.

I wonder if tonight, he will kick me to the curb?

I get dressed, in a pair of tight leggings and a t-shirt. I feel like I'm going to my funeral. I don't want to eat. The thought is making me sick. The thought of making him mad, makes me sick.

I approach the kitchen and he's sitting at the breakfast bar. I usually have to make the meals while I'm here. But, I have a feeling his housekeeper cooked tonight.

My meal has been plated out for me next to him.

The smell is already making me sick.

Maybe I am getting sick. I can usually stomach the food he makes me eat.

I sit down next to him. It's macaroni and cheese with broccoli.

"Ana?" I hear him say, as I stare down at the food in front of me. I have to wait for him to start eating first.

"Yes, Sir?" I say meekly.

"I want you to look at me, talk to me." I glance up at him. His eyes begging me.

"I don't know what to talk about, Sir."

"Tell me what's wrong would be a good place to start. Lately, I can sense you're changing. I want you to talk to be Ana. It's my job, to care for you."

"I just have a lot going on with work." I lie.

"Anything I could help with?" He offers

How could I forget he's my bosses boss' boss? I inwardly roll my eyes. I still haven't understood why he would buy the company I work at. He gave me some shit about keeping me safe, but it's lost on me.

"No, we're just busy."

He hums, I'm sure not believing me, but he changes the subject.

"I have a gala I need to attend tomorrow night. I would like you to come with me."

I'm shocked. He never takes me anywhere, not since I signed that stupid contract.

Could I hate myself more every day for the mistake that I made?

But, he really wants to take me out in public.

I shouldn't get too excited, it might just be some BDSM formal.

 _Do they have those?_

 _Everyone dressed up in leather, dancing the night away._

"Yes, sir."

He picks up my hand and kisses my knuckles.

"Good. I'll have something picked out for you." He releases my hand and I notice he picks up his fork and starts eating. I then pick up mine and start moving my food around.

He glares over at me when he notices I'm not eating.

"Eat, Anastasia. Or so help me."

"Sorry, Sir." I pick up a noodle and put it in my mouth.

"And enough with the fucking Sorry's" He snaps flinging his fork to his plate. "Tell me what the fuck is going on with you Anastasia. This is not how you normally act. I let it go last weekend, but this ends now. Now tell me." He demands, his voice ringing out through the penthouse.

I don't get a chance to answer when the elevator dings. It seems like we have company.

I hear the familiar clicks of high heels hitting the marble floor.

The smell of her perfume is making me even more nauseous than the mac and cheese sitting in front of me.

"Oh, I hope I wasn't interrupting anything."

It's the Bitch Troll.

He told me some of how he got into this lifestyle when he was fifteen. How he was introduced by his mother's friend. When he told me that, it made me sick to my stomach. Not to mention when he actually told me about some of his trouble childhood. I knew this woman took advantage of a trouble child. An easy prey for her.

Yet, he's still friends with her.

So, I had to endure meeting this woman, when I was sent to the salons that she owns that he helps her with.

Nothing like getting your bits waxed in a place a pedophile owns. Thankfully, she hasn't touched me when I go there.

But, she always has a few choice looks and words for me.

"No, not at all." He tells the bleach blonde, Botox, pedophile bitch.

"I have the papers you need in my study. I'll go grab them."

"Thank you, darling. Then I'll be out of your hair, for you to continue your activities."

He just smiles at her and leaves me alone with her.

Great.

"I hope you're enjoying your time with him. Because you're time is almost up, and I already have the perfect girl lined up for him." The bitch troll sneers.

I don't say anything.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have my freedom again.

Find myself again.

"He told me he might cut you lose sooner. You don't seem to please him anymore. He was just telling me the other day, how he was displeased in your performance."

I keep my mouth shut. He talks about us to her?

How dare him.

I feel the love I thought I had for him slip. I'm disgusted, dirty.

I should have known I was nothing more than a whore.

And here in front of me is the pimp. I mean he told me before, she is who he gets his girls from.

I always hated the clothes, the jewelry, the car. Makes me feel like he's paying for sex. I guess in a way he is.

"He should have never picked you up. You have no training, you're disobedient. I don't know what he was thinking trying to train a novice." Bitch troll cackles at me.

I can't take it anymore.

I can't do this anymore.

She's right though, he should of never picked me.

I hate him.

I toss my plate at bitch, covering her in my uneaten mac and cheese and storm out of the room.

I feel like the first time I'm making the right choice.

I'm leaving and I'm going to find myself again.

I leave everything he gave me on the dresser. The necklace, the earrings, the laptop, the phone and the key to the Submissive special. The clothes he bought; stay hanging in the closet.

I want nothing from him, no memory of him.

I grab my purse, when he comes storming in.

"What the hell, Anastasia? I leave for five minutes and you dump your food all over Elena. I don't know what the hell your problem is lately, but you need to figure it out quickly."

The fire is burning in his eyes, this look used to scare me, but I can't let it anymore **.** I need to leave.

I can't let him break me anymore.

"I'm leaving." I stumble out, my voice not as strong as I was hoping it would be.

"What? What do you mean you're leaving?" I take a peek at him, he's running his hands through his hair, his expression bleak

Why does he care?

"You're just getting rid of me anyways, Sir."

"What are you talking about?" he asks astonished.

"You know very well what I'm talking about." For the first time in a month, I feel strong, the old me breaking through. "Our contract is up in a month. And your _friend_ told me how displeased you are with me. So, I'll let you go, so you can beat the next brown haired girl in Submission." I spit.

I take one last look at him and I can see the uncontrollable rage surge through his body.

I go to make my escape again, but this time he grabs my wrist. He's squeezing it so tight, that pain in laces through me.

"You're not going anywhere." He snaps at me. "Let me go!" I try to struggle out of his hold, but he's too strong.

Why can't he just let me go.

I think his grip is getting harder.

This pain is almost as bad as when he hit me with the cane.

"Please let me go." I beg him. When I look at him again, his eyes are cold and vacant. It's like he's not really here anymore.

"I can't let you go, Ana. We have a contract. You're mine." He says softly.

"You said I can leave at anytime. I don't want this life anymore. You've broke me."

His grip is even tighter now. He's losing his control. I scream at the pain.

"You're hurting me." I yell at. "Red!"

 _Just let me go._

All kinds of emotions flash through him. Maybe even tears?

He finally releases my arm.

When he finally lets go of me I go tumbling backwards and land on the ground. The hand he was holding onto, catches my fall, and I hear a distinct crack.

I yelp out in pain, the tears pooling in my eyes.

He snaps out of whatever haze he was in and comes running to me.

"Stay away from me!" I scream at him, as the hot tears run down my face.

"Ana, let me help you. I'm so sorry." He's pleading with me. He tries picking me up, but I kick my feet at him.

"I didn't mean to hurt you, baby. I'm so sorry." His voice cracks.

Why won't he just let me go.

"What's going on in here?" I look up and the bitch troll is standing in the doorway with an evil smirk on her face.

Behind her is Taylor, he's looking around scouting the situation.

"Sir?" He looks at me then at him.

"Taylor, she's hurt. We need to get her to the hospital.

"No! I just want to leave."

I stand up pushing my way from him. I hold on to my wrist. The pain is excruciating, but the pain in my heart feels worse.

"Ana, you need to go to the hospital." He pushes.

"I want away from you..." I'm begging now, but it's falling on deaf ears.

"Ana…" He's pleading.

"Oh, let her go." Bitch Troll scoffs. "She's nothing but trouble anyways. I have the perfect young girl for you, I'll call her and she'll be here right away."

His eyes go dark, swirling with anger. And for the first time, it's not at me.

"Shut the fuck up, Elena. GO!" He screams at her.

"I'm not leaving." Bitch Troll stands up taller, trying to command the room.

While he's fixated with her I move away more from him.

I don't want to be near him.

He's the monster he always claimed to be.

"You've lost all your focus since you met this trollop." She sneers, her nose flaring in anger.

"Sir?" Taylor's voice raises, cutting through the tension in the room.

"Yes, Taylor?" He snaps at him, but I think thankful for interpreting.

"Let me take Miss. Steele to the hospital. I think it would be best if you stayed here." He offers.

"No, I'll go with her." He demands.

"NO!" I scream.

God, please no. Stay away.

"Ana, please. I just want to make sure you're ok. I feel terrible…"

"How many times do I have to say. STAY AWAY! Or would it better if I say words you know… like Red! Just leave me alone" I yell, the tears stinging my eyes.

He shakes his head, looking at the floor. His shoulders hunch over.

"Fine, Taylor take her." He whispers, his eyes never leaving the floor.

I run out of the room.

Freedom.

As I pass the bitch troll I hear her cackling. I make my way down the hallway and I hear his voice booming through the halls. I can't understand what he is saying, and I don't care.

Taylor and I both stop when we hear a loud crash.

"Come on, Ana." Taylor says softly, putting his hand on my lower back, so I keep walking. I dont even remember arriving to the hospital.

Taylor parks the car and opens the door for me.

"Thank you, Taylor. I should be ok from here." I know if Taylor comes with me, he'll report every word to him.

Taylor pulls a card out of his pocket and hands it to me.

"If you need me, call me." Taylor tells me sincerely.

"Thank you." I pocket the card and make my way into the ER.

Hours pass, between waiting, being x rayed, blood work drawn, I'm now waiting for the results.

The curtain pulls back and the doctor walks in.

"Miss. Steele, I'm Dr. Peters." The gray-haired man, with kind eyes, smiles at me.

"Hi."

"I have your results, and your wrist has a small fracture and we will need to put a cast on you. Also, your blood work came back, you're pregnant, Miss. Steele. According to the levels I would say about four to six weeks."

Did he just say pregnant? How? What? I try to pick up my jaw from the floor as he continues. But, it remains hanging on shock.

"Your iron levels are really low and I would like you to start some prenatals and get tested again in a week, to make sure they go back up. I would make an appointment with an OB as soon as you can."

I can't say anything.

I'm pregnant.

"Are you ok, Miss. Steele?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, thank you." I whisper.

No, I'm not ok! I want to scream. He's now a part of me _forever._

I'll never be rid of him.

Why is God punishing me?

I sigh, I only did this to myself.

I'm doing everything in my power not to throw up. My heart is twisting in my chest, my stomach is a giant knot of nerves.

I want to cry.

I want someone to hold me.

Yet, I'm alone.

Can I even tell anyone? I signed an Non-closure agreement.

"Alright, someone will come in a cast your arm. I will get you a prescription for some prenatals, and a referral for some OBs in the area."

The doctor leaves the room, leaving me alone.

I'm alone.

I finally get my arm put in a cast, and discharged.

I remember that I don't have a phone on me and ask the nurse to call me a cab.

I will go home to an empty apartment, as I face my new reality.

A reality that I'm pregnant with Christian Grey's baby.

And I have no idea what I'm going to do.

 **Next up is Christian's POV.**

 **I know it seems kind of chopping and also when you post on the site it changes how the paragraphs are spaced. Sorry about that. But like I said it was meant to be her inner dialogue so I hoped it turned out well.**

 **Ana is depressed, and I'm going to try my best to tap into a mind that is lost and scared. And hopefully finding a way to help ease her problems.**

 **PS. if you have nothing nice to say don't say it at all... i will delete all rude reviews. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Because I'm excited to get CG's POV out. Here it is. So many wondering what is going through the mind of our favorite Dom.**

 **If you haven't already make sure you read Chapter One first.**

 **And since I gave a two for one deal today… I don't know when the next update will be… plus i still have to write it  
**

 **Christian POV**

She left.

I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. I can't believe she's gone.

I can't believe I hurt her.

Elena kept going on about how better I was without her. How she didn't fit into _our_ lifestyle.

I yelled at her to shut up. She was driving me insane.

Then I snapped, when I saw it.

Ana left everything I gave her behind. I never felt so out of control till I saw the jewelry, phone, laptop, and her keys laid out on the dresser.

The rage, the hurt I felt when I saw those items laying there.

I flipped the dresser over. Sending everything flying.

Even Elena was in shock.

I demand she get the hell out of my house. That I never wanted to see her again.

I know it was her filling her head with lies.

Why did I let her anywhere near Anastasia?

When she wouldn't leave, I took her by the neck and escorted her to the elevator.

"If I never see your botoxed face ever again, I would be more then glad. Stay the fuck out of my life. If you come near me or Ana again, I'll tell everyone what you did to me. You wouldn't want your high and tighty friends to know about your taste for younger boys, now do you?"

"You wouldn't dare" She seethes.

"At this point I have nothing to lose. Stay away." I shove her into the elevator. I quickly grab my phone and notice the papers I gave Elena still on the breakfast bar. I tear them up and call Ros.

She answers on the first ring.

"Ros, I want you to sell the Esclava chain as quick as possible. I don't care if you have to sell it for a dollar. Get rid of it. NOW."

"Christian, are you sure that you want to do that?"

"I was gifting them anyways. Get rid of them. Stat. I don't care how you do it. As long as NOTHING goes to Mrs. Lincoln."

"Whatever you say boss. I'll be happy to watch her burn." Ros laughs, before she hangs up.

I guess I really was the only one blinded

Now I'm sitting on my bed, my head in my hands. Thinking about all the things I've done wrong.

I should have never made her sign that contract.

I just didn't know any other way.

I should have stayed away. I just couldn't, she captivated me the day she fell into my office.

I couldn't stay away from her. I wanted her as mine.

She brought this light into my life, I didn't know existed.

We tried for three weeks without a contract. She slept in my bed. She kept my nightmares away.

Then Leila showed up. Taking her life in front of Ana. I was still at the office when it happened. I later watched it play out on the CCTV.

Leila was screaming at Ana about why did she get more and what did she have that she didn't.

Ana tried to talk her down, tell her she didn't have more.

Leila had been stalking Ana for weeks and I found out later she had been in the penthouse, watching.

Leila saw that I was sleeping with Ana. That she was more to me.

I think everything came to much for Leila, no matter how hard Ana tried to talk her down, she took her life that day, and I know my girl never really recovered for that.

However, I was glad that Leila didn't end up hurting her, well not physically.

She made me swear that she wouldn't become her.

I swore up and down she wouldn't. That Leila had more issues then just me not wanting her.

It wasn't a lie. Leila was suffering from a nervous breakdown after her boyfriend died. It would have been great if I had that information while she was stalking us.

Then a week later, what do I do? I had Ana sign the contract.

Why?

Because I let Elena get into my head. Convincing me Ana needed to sign the contract, that I _needed_ that control over her. I was beyond stressed when I talked to her. Between Leila killing herself in my kitchen, deals going south, and smart mouth girl that disobeyed me at every corner. I was on the verge of self-destruction.

My self-control was waning. I was like a volcano waiting to erupt and Elena saw it. That's when she reminded me how much I need that playroom.

How much I needed to flog and fuck a certain brown eyed blue eyed beauty into submission.

I went home that night, where Ana was waiting for me.

I told her that if she wanted to be with me, she had to sign the contract.

That it was the only way we could be together.

She stared at me for what seem like hours, not saying anything.

She finally agreed and signed the contract we have been discussing for weeks.

It was only hours later, I ditched out her first real punishment.

If you asked me now, what she did to earn said punishment, I couldn't tell you.

More than likely it was something as simple as an eyeroll, or her smart mouth.

I decided that I needed to take a cane to her ass.

I remember the sounds she made, the whimpers, the grunts, the cries. I was hurting her. I was so lost in my own world, trying to regain control, that I really just lost it.

She didn't safeword. When I was finally done, I felt like the worst scum on the earth. I couldn't fuck her, so I took my time, taking care of her. Rubbing the Arnica cream on her now red ass, then I made love to her. I didn't know any other way to say I was sorry.

The harsher elements were gone after that. I couldn't do that to her again.

Even after that, I kept treating her like a Sub. Even though, she meant so much more to me. I tried to give her more. We would talk, I would hold her after we had sex.

To be honest, I couldn't sleep without being in her presence. I would sneak into her room and either curl next to her or sit in a chair and watch her sleep.

I knew for the last couple of weeks, she's been changing. She was becoming something she wasn't. No matter how much I tried to get it out of her. She wouldn't tell me.

The light in her eyes was gone. Those baby blues were clouded with nothing but sadness and darkness. And the only way I thought I could get it out of her was to beat it out of her.

Still she said nothing.

That girl that I fell for was gone.

When I saw her today, I was in disbelief with how bad she looked. I know she was starting to lose weight, but today I really saw it. When she looked at me, her eyes were suckin in, her skin was paler then normal. She claimed she wasn't eating because she was sick.

I knew better, and it was because of me.

I knew I shouldn't have taken that food part out of her contract. I was going to make her stay with me for the week, shit forever, just to make sure she was eating.

Then I get her to the playroom, standing before me naked. She was so thin, I don't know how I didn't see it sooner. Her ribs were practically popping out of her skin. She was a rail.

I wanted to punish her so badly for not taking care of herself.

I tied her to the bed and blindfolded her. I could tell she wasn't with the program. I started hitting her with the flogger. Her body didn't respond like it used to. I tried another tactic, I tried to make her feel good.

Show her that I cared for her.

She didn't respond at all to my touch. I did everything I know that usually drives her wild. She wasn't focused and he was dryer then the Sahara.

Then I kissed her, she finally responded to me there, I wanted to tell her with my kiss, how much I care for her.

The taste of her lips drove me wild, and I couldn't help but dive in. I saw the pain wash over her, but I kept going.

I was desperate to make her come, I was desperate to make her feel good, the only way I knew how.

I even tried doggy, she usually loves it from behind. She wasn't responding at all. I smacked her a couple times, for something, anything. Not even a slight noise or pant. Silence.

I hated it.

For the first time ever, she didn't cum.

I was angry, confused, hurt even. My girl was gone.

I took her in my arms and held her afterwards. She relaxed a little in my arms as I held her. I was pleading with myself that she would tell me what was wrong.

When I carried her to bed, she was so light. A gust of wind could take her away. I laid her in bed, and just stared at her. Praying to whoever for her to come back.

I was thankful I had Gail make dinner for tonight, I wanted to talk to Ana. I wanted her to be her. When she met me, she was still in Sub mode. Usually that would please me, however today it just made me angry.

She tried to blame work for the reason she was not the same. I know better though, I own the company. They haven't been busy. Just another excuse.

I hate that she doesn't trust me enough to tell me.

So, I figured I would try something else. I've had this planed for a couple of weeks now. Tomorrow night my parents were throwing their annual gala for Coping Together. I was ready to tell her, I wanted more from her, much more.

I no longer wanted a contract with her, I wanted to be with her.

I wanted to tell her that I was falling in love with her.

Now I know,I should have told her sooner.

Because after that it spiraled out of control. Elena had showed up, so I could give her the final papers for the Salon.

I was finally cutting her out of my life, giving her the Salons. When I had mentioned my wanting more with Ana, I could see something snap in Elena.

It took a long while, but I finally saw what Elena was.

I was nothing but her pet. Pre-programmed for her own use. It was just too late when I tried to figure it out. I'm pretty sure Ana's soul was gone, by the time I figured it out. I've been so blind to see Elena was using me.

When I told Elena, I was gifting my shares to her, she just laughed. She shrugged it off like it was no big deal.

She knew I would be here with Ana today. That's why she came.

And like the dumbass I am, I left her alone with Ana.

When I came back, Elena was standing there covered in Mac and Cheese. Part of me wanted to laugh.

But, then my stupid mind snapped. I couldn't figure what the hell was wrong with her. Why in the world would she toss her plate at Elena?

That's not who she is.

I turned and let the room, as Elena started screaming to me about what kind of trouble I got myself into. How she was no good for me.

Between Elena yelling at me, making me crazy with anger, and Ana just being… I don't know. I went into her room with guns blazing.

I just wanted to know what the fuck was going on with her.

Then like a knife twisting in my nonexistent heart, she tells me she's leaving me.

I was going to tell her I loved her, and she's leaving me. I had an out of body experience and I grab a hold of her. I couldn't let her leave. She was mine. I needed her. She made me whole.

The word "Red" shouting out of her throat, made me see that I was hurting her. Then when I let go she goes falling to the ground, I heard the sound of her bone crunching.

My world stopped and shattered around me.

I could see in her eyes how much she hated me. That she was scared of me. She's screaming at me to leave her alone. And it's the last thing that I wanted to do.

I wanted to help her, beg for forgiveness.

When she told me to stay away again, I knew I had to let her go. I'm thankful Taylor was there and went with her. At least I know she's safe, for now.

I wipe my face and now notice that I'm crying. I can't even remember the last time I cried.

I'm a monster. I should let her go. She'll be better without me.

There's a knock on my door, and I get up to answer it. Knowing it's more than likely Taylor to give me the report.

"Taylor, how is she?"

"I don't know for sure, Sir. She wouldn't let me stay with her. I waited though till she left. She got in a cab and I followed her to her apartment. Her arm was in a cast, sir."

I tumble to the floor and let the cries rack my body.

I hate myself even more than I could ever before.

I hurt her, and I can never forgive myself for what I did.

 **ANA POV**

I'm numb.

I can't focus on anything.

I'm pregnant with _his_ child.

Forever connected.

Maybe I don't have to tell him. I mean he told me if I ever left, that would be it. Well, I left, so maybe he'll just stay away.

Even I have to laugh at myself. He more than likely has one of his goons spying on me. Then like a ton of bricks I remember that I work for him. He owns the fucking company that I work at. He could show up at any time, un announced.

Would he though?

It's not like he has any feelings for me. I was just another hole for him to fuck. Another faceless brunette in a sea of many.

I'm sure Elena already hooked him up with another girl, and he's fucking her right now.

I lay on my bed and curl into a ball. I cry into my pillow. I don't want to move.

I just want to cry.

I awake the next morning. The sun is peering through my windows.

I've never hated the sun so much as I do right now.

I mean this is Seattle, can I get some gray skies please, they fit my mood so much better.

I roll out of bed, and figure I need to try to eat something, not for me but for this baby. When I get to the kitchen, Kate and Elliot are there.

My mind is screaming to retreat. Hide.

But it's too late, I've been spotted by the happy people.

 _I hate happy people._

"Steele…what happened to you?" Kate asks approaching me.

I can't tell her that her boyfriend's billionaire brother did this.

I mean did he do it? Was it his grip or the fall or both? It doesn't matter, his actions caused it.

"I fell." I say, waving my casted arm around.

"How?" She probes.

"Stairs. I'm fine. Can we just drop it!" I snap.

Kate seems a taken aback by my words, however she doesn't keep pressing.

I walk to the fridge and when I open it, I notice it's empty. I haven't been to the store in weeks. I huff and close the door. I really don't want to go to the store. I mean it's not like I'm really hungry anyways.

The baby, I need something, even if it's small.

"We were going out to breakfast, Ana. If you want to join us?" Kate offers.

You mean get out of my PJ's, go out into the sun, and what talk? Pretend everything's just peachy when my world is coming down on me.

No thank you.

"I'm good. I'm sure there's some oatmeal." And thankfully when I open the cabinet, there's a box of strawberry oatmeal staring me in the face.

"Um… ok? Are you sure you're ok Ana? You look like you've been crying."

"I'm fine Kate."

Kate and Elliot are both staring at me, like I've grown two heads. Right now, I hate her, how did she end up with the perfect brother? Why did I get the crazy one, the fucked up one?

"Alright, if you're sure…"

"Yes, I'm fine." I snap.

She backs off and lets me drown my oatmeal in peace.

"Ana, Elliott and I are going out tonight to his parent's gala. I might stay at his place since it'll be late when it's over. I thought I should let you know. Unless you want me to stay…" She presses. "You weren't usually home on weekends….oh" She stops. "Did you and that guy break up?"

I don't say anything. Here it comes. Poor Ana. I don't want to hear it.

"I'll stay and we can order takeout and ice cream."

"No, Kate. Just go. One of us should be happy. I'm not good company right now."

"Ana!"

"Just stop, please." I beg her. I just want to be alone.

Actually, I don't really want to be alone, but I want to be alone.

I hate these feelings. This is not who I was. I could find happiness at the drop of a hat. Now I hate everything.

I really hate Christian Grey.

But I digress.

Kate comes over and gives me a hug, "I'm here for you, you just need to tell me when. And I will come running."

I relish for a minute in her hug. I know she cares. But I can't bring myself to tell her anything. I don't even know if I can tell her anything.

I need to get my thoughts together before I can even start to put the words together.

"I know, have fun." I tell her as sweetly as I can muster up.

"Get some rest." She tells me before her and Elliot are out the door.

I look at the bowl of soaked oats, and cringe as I stomach to eat through them. They have no favor. I quickly finish the bowl and put it in the sink.

I hate my life.

I crawl back into bed and try to sleep and wish things could be different.

Another day goes past, when I awake again, a dream of a little boy with copper hair and bright blue eyes like mine, flooded my mind. He was laughing, we were in a meadow. He was happy, I was happy.

I know in the moment, I need to try, I need to try for this baby. I need to find me. A new me.

The problem is where do I start when I feel so lost?


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: last update for the year…**

 **Make sure you've** **read chapter 2** **before reading this one if you haven't already.**

 **Happy New Year**

 **ANA POV**

Monday morning rolls around and I should be getting ready for work.

I still haven't decided what to do when it comes to work.

I need a job, money to support myself and the baby.

I mean worse comes to worse I could be a waitress, flip burgers, work at a hardware store if I have to.

I decide this morning to call off. I'll spend my day looking for a new job. Although, I might have to look out of Seattle to avoid working under the thumb of Christian Grey.

Kate is in the kitchen again this morning. She's sipping her cup of coffee, glancing at the paper.

She must hear me, because she puts the paper down and looks at me.

"Shouldn't you be getting ready for work?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I took the day off. How was your weekend?" I ask her trying to draw the attention away from me.

"It was good. You'll never believe what happened." She says excitedly.

"What?" She's way to perky for a Monday morning.

"Christian Grey, came to his parent's gala, wasted." She laughs. She throws me the paper and on the front of the entertainment section is Christian, his bow tie un done, his hair a mess, he appears to be stumbling over something, and a bottle of liquor in his hand.

In the background, there's a sign that reads, Coping Together.

"This was Saturday?" I ask.

"Yeah. Nobody has ever seen him this way since he was a teenager. He was a hot mess. His mom and dad were pissed, they ended up kicking him to the house. Elliot says he kept mumbling 'she's gone...she's gone.' but, he wouldn't tell anyone who."

Was this the gala he said he was going to take me too?

No, it couldn't have been. He wouldn't have introduced me to his family.

It had to be something else. Right?

And there's no way he could have been drunk and upset because of me.

I was nothing but a Submissive to him.

"Ana?"

"Hmm..?"

"I lost you there for a minute. Are you ok?"

I shake my head, "I'm fine. I'm just tired."

"Can, I be honest with you Ana"

Oh, boy here it comes…

"Yeah?"

"I think you need to eat something, or go to the doctor's, something… you're fading away in front of me."

I roll my eyes. "I'm fine, Kate." I snap.

"But, you're not!" She snaps back. "I called your dad."

"You fucking did what?" I yell.

"Ana, I've been a horrible friend. I should have seen the signs that something was wrong. Even Elliot said there was something off with you. And you look like you lost a ton of weight. I'm worried about you. I should have been around more."

"You had no right to call my dad!" I shout again. The anger is coming off of me in waves.

Why do people think it's ok to meddle in my life? It's none of their damn business. I don't need anybody to try and control what happens to me.

I've had enough of that to last a lifetime.

"I'm worried about you." She says softly

"Oh, you were so worried about me huh? Well, you didn't seem so concerned before. You're never here during the week, and when you are, you're rubbing your perfect romance in my face. The first time you asked if I was ok was Saturday. So, excuse me if I think your worry is a big pile of shit. Not to mention the night you hooked up with Elliot you let me go home with a complete stranger, when I was drunk off my ass."

I storm away, leaving a shock wave behind me and back into my room.

Fuck!

I didn't mean to go off the handle like that.

 _Who am I?_

But, maybe a part of me is right. She sure never noticed anything before, she hasn't been around. Not that I can totally blame her. She's happy. I'm miserable.

And why the hell was Christian drunk? Mr. Always in Control.

There the asshole goes again, confusing the shit out of me.

I don't know how long I stay in my room, pacing the floor. I'm tired again, and a little dizzy. I hear the doorbell and I know it's probably my father.

I should answer it.

But, maybe he'll go away if I don't. He'll kill me, if he sees me like this.

I hear the door open and some muffled voices. Great Kate is still here. Probably spilling her guts about my tantrum.

I sit on my bed, and prepare myself for what's to come. I don't want my daddy to be mad at me. I hate when he's mad at me.

There's a knock on my bedroom door. Taking a deep breath, I prepare myself. I stand to answer the door, and I feel dizzy, my vision starts to blur, then my vision goes completely black. I hear the door knob turn, it's like my hearing has increased. But, I can't see anything.

"Annie?" I hear Ray's voice.

"Daddy... I can't see…" My body collapses to the floor. My body is shaky, and I start to cry.

"What do you mean you can't see?"

My stomach starts to turn and I feel like I'm about to vomit. I'm so confused by what is happening to me.

"I'm scared…" I feel sweaty and cold. Then before I know it, I no longer feel anything.

* * *

I wake up to the sound of beeping. When I peel open my eyes, I notice I'm in a hospital room.

I look to my side and see my dad sitting next to me, holding my hand.

"Oh, Annie, you're awake."

"What happened?" I ask him.

"You fainted. Your blood pressure was very low." He sighs at me. "The doctor mentioned you were pregnant... And also, he's worried about your weight. You're underweight and dehydrated, which might have been one of the reasons your blood pressure dropped. What's going on Annie?"

"I've just been stressed. "

"And the pregnancy? I didn't even know you were seeing anyone?"

I look away from my dad. I don't know what to say. I don't even know if I'm allowed to say.

"I um…we..." Suddenly, I just burst into tears.

I feel his strong arms wrap around me. I feel at home.

For the first time, I feel at ease, safe.

"What's going on pumpkin, this is more than stress. I haven't seen you like this Steven. You know you can tell me anything."

Steven, just hearing his name makes me shiver. Memories I've tried to keep locked up, but I know they're part of the reason why I feel like this. Why I'm so unlovable. Why I let a man just walk over me, take what he wanted, and stopped sticking up for me.

"I don't think I can. I need help daddy. I'm so lost and scared. I don't feel like me anymore." I weep into his chest.

I want to run away. I feel like the walls closing in. I don't know what to do. I want to feel better, but I can't seem to breakaway.

I keep sliding down this hill and there's no end.

"Ok, do you want someone to talk too?"

I nod my head. I want out of this darkness.

"Alright, I can see if Dr. Penick is still around, she helped the first time, right?"

I nod again. She helped me a lot, after Steven.

"Do you think you could give me anything? Does it have anything to do with the father or your child?"

"Daddy, Please." I beg him. I'm just not ready to talk about it.

"Alright, just know I'm here for you. I won't judge you baby girl. I just want to help. But, please eat. If anything, do it for the baby."

I'm so tired of hearing that. I wish they would try to eat when it feels like you're going to up chuck at any second.

"I will."

I'm thankful he stops with the questions, and also doesn't ask about my broken wrist.

My dad and I sit in silence, no longer really knowing what to say to each other.

All of a sudden there's a loud commotion outside of my room. Voices are being raised. I notice one is Kate's and dread washes over me when I know the other is him.

Why the hell is he here?

"I'm going to see what's going on…" My dad says before going out there.

This won't be good.

 **Christian's POV**

She's been gone for two and half days now. I feel like the sun has risen in days.

I miss her so much.

I haven't slept since she left. Everytime I close my eyes, her face haunts me. The searing pain that shot through her eyes, when she fell to the floor, the look of hate in her eyes.

I broke her.

I always break them.

I'm a monster.

Son of a crack whore.

Even her pimp knew how worthless I was even at the age of four.

I'm pathetic, easily manipulated by my mother's best friend. She played the strings on me like her very own marionette

I'm Alone.

Everyone always ends up leaving in the end.

I'm sitting in the library, her favorite room, backing down the shots of whiskey like their water.

I made a total ass of myself on Saturday at my parent's gala. I shouldn't have gone. Should have said I was sick. But, I went hoping not to disappoint my mother.

Well, I disappointed her anyways.

My dad sent me to the house to sober up. I didn't, instead I broke into his good stash of bourbon and downed it.

It was all a blur after that. Mom and Dad demanded that I told them what was going on. I have no idea what I said, but I think in my drunken ramblings I told them about Ana and Elena.

Because the next morning, my mother is pouring a bucket of cold water on my head to make me wake up.

So, somehow through my hangover I told her about Elena. To say she was disappointed was an understatement. But, I soon realized it was because I kept it from her.

Then I told her about Ana.

I told her I was going to let her go. Let her be happy. I couldn't destroy the rest of her.

"You're kidding me, aren't you?" My mother says sharply.

"Mom, I hurt her. I hurt her bad. She needs someone that will cherish her. Love her more than I ever could."

"But, do you love her?"

"Yes. That's why I have to let her go." I tell her

"Horse Shit!" My mother snaps.

I think my eyes are large, my mother, my angel of a mother, cussed.

"What?" I'm still in shock by my mother's filthy mouth.

"If you love someone you don't give up on them. You fight for them Christian. You might have to beg, show her that you love her. You need to open the damn lines of communication. The both of you do. If you really love her and want to be with her. You fight."

Without another word, my mom left the room.

I should have run to her right away after that, but I'm spineless. Scared. I don't know what I would do if she rejected me. Not that I could blame her.

So, here I sit, in the room that Ana went to, to unwind from my craziness. I've fucked her many times in this room.

I should have made love to her, instead.

I want that warm, bubbly girl back. The girl with the smart mouth, that had no worries in the world.

The girl she was before I destroyed her spirit.

I down another shot before I leave the room. As I wander the halls of my empty penthouse. These walls hold so many memories, good and bad. Mostly, all the good of this place was because of Ana.

"Sir?" I'm stopped in my stumbling tracks by Taylor.

"What is it, Taylor?"

"I was just informed by Miss. Steeles CPO that she was taken by ambulance to the hospital. The reason is unknown, but she came out on a stretcher."

My heart sinks into my stomach, I have to get to her. "Let's go…" I tell him.

"Sir…"

"What Taylor?" I'm in a panic and he's just standing there.

"I think it would be best if you sobered up some first, change, before you go down there. You say you want her back well for one you can't go in there drunk. Then you need to make sure your head in on straight, before you just barge in there. And also, understand that she might not want to see you."

"I have to see her, Taylor."

"I know. But you can't be drunk when you see her. Drink some water and get out of those dirty clothes, you've been wearing for days. Then we can go." He then turns on his heel and leaves the room.

Taylor just reprimanded me. Ok. I can deal with it. Because he is right. I go to the kitchen and grab a couple bottles of water, then head to take a shower. I keep chanting to myself that I hope she's alright.

She needs to be ok.

I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to her.

An hour later I'm walking into the hospital. I find out what floor she is on and head on up. I see Katherine Kavanagh sitting outside of the room. I try my best to ignore her and walk by her.

However, she spots me quickly and stands in front of me, stopping me in my path.

"What are _you_ doing here, Grey?" Kate asks me, looking at me positivity confused

"I'm here to see Ana."

"Ana?" then something clicks

"It was you." She accuses. "You're the one that she was seeing. You are the one that turned her into the mess she is."

"Katherine, I just need to talk to her. Tell her I'm sorry."

I try to go for the door and Kate stops in front of me.

"I can't let you in there Grey."

"Let me through Kavanagh. " I shout at her.

"There's no way I'm letting you in there. You reek of liquor, you look like shit and frankly I don't trust you." She yells back at me.

"I just want to see her." I raise my voice even louder.

"What the hell is all the noise." A man shouts, I assume this is Raymond Steele, Ana's stepdad. I remember Ana showing me a picture before of him

"Who are you?" The man shouts again at me

I hesitate at first, but fuck it, "I'm her boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?" he mutters out. "Are you part of the reason she's like this?"

"It was never my intention to hurt her. I love her." I sigh, "I just need to talk to her, please."

"I don't think that would be a good idea. She is not in a good place and needs her rest."

"Please."

"I said, No."

I slump into the chair, and stare at the man that loves the girl inside that room as well. As a father, I can't blame him for wanting to try and protect his daughter.

"Can you at least give her this note." I pull out the folded piece of paper and hand it to him. "She has every right to be mad at me and not want to talk to me. But, I can't leave without telling her how I feel." I will him to take the paper from my hand. I spent all day Sunday, writing this note over and over again. Trying to get the words right.

He's hesitates about taking the note from me, but he does.

"I'll give this to her, but if this upsets her more I will personally come back and kick your ass. Do we understand? "

"Yes, sir."

He doesn't say anything else before turning on his heel and going back into the room.

"What did you do to her, Grey?" Kate snaps at me.

"I didn't love her the right way." I mumble and shake my head. "I should have paid attention better to the signs that she wasn't well. But, I was to selfish to see it. And she might have been too scared to tell me. Not that I blame. It was my job to protect her, care for her and I failed, miserably."

Kate softens a little, but not much. "Why was it a secret that you were together? She never told anyone, she just ran off every weekend."

"Because of who I am. It's a long story and I'm not ready to share, not till I talk to Ana."

"Fair enough, I guess." She huffs and sits next to me. "If it's any consolation I didn't see it either. At one point, she was ok. Then the next thing I know she's not."

"I love her. Like I didn't think I could ever love someone, but I love her like crazy. I just didn't know how to show it or say it."

"Well, you're doing a good job of it now. But, I think it's way more than just you."

I don't say anything else. I know I'm the cause of her downhill spiral even if I'm not the full root of it.

"Can you tell me why she ended up here?"

Kate sighs and looks at me. "She fainted. Her blood pressure was extremely low. I don't know much more than that."

I run my hands down my face. What seems like hours, Ray steps out of the room.

"She wants to talk to you." He says gruffly. I get up and start walking to the room. Ray roughly grabs my arm to stop me. "Like I said before, if you do anything to hurt her or upset her more than she already is. I'll pop you."

I nod my head as he releases my arm.

I cautiously enter the room, and she's sitting on the bed with a heart monitor and an IV in her hand. Her other arm wrapped in a purple cast.

She's so pale, thin- lost. But, she's still beautiful. I want to do nothing more than to hug her, kiss her.

"Hi." I say softly.

She turns to look at me and her eyes are red and puffy.

"Hi."

 **Ana's POV**

My dad walks back into the room and he doesn't look very happy.

"I met your boyfriend." He mutters.

He wasn't my boyfriend, he was my Dom.

That's it. But, I don't think my dad would like hearing that. I might not like Christian very much right now, however I don't wish his death either.

I don't say anything, and look away. "He wanted to talk to you, but I told him no. Even if you won't say it, I know part of the reason you're so down might be because of him."

"Maybe, or part of it's just me. I had choices, I just maybe made all the wrong ones." I tell him. "I might have not been ready for someone as _intense_ as him."

"Well, he gave me this note, to give to you. Do you want it?"

Do I? It's probably a note telling me to keep my mouth shut, and remember my NDA.

"I guess." I mumble. Might as get it over with. If he's going to rip my heart out even more, might as well do it all at once.

"You don't have to, sweetie. I could just rip it up."

"No, it's ok."

He sighs before handing me the folded note.

I open it up and brace myself for the words it might say. Is he scared that I might say something about us to people. That someone might find out his deep dark secret of BDSM.

Taking a deep breath, I start to read.

 _Anastasia,_

 _I think I have written this note a 100 times. And I still don't think it can convey how I really feel about you. But know this:_

 _I love you._

 _I've been in love with probably since the day you fell into my office. I just didn't know it yet. And by the time I admitted it to myself it might have been too late._

 _I never felt this way before about anyone. I was lost and maybe even scared to want to admit it. I also should have never made you sign that contract._

 _You've always been more to me._

 _I listened to some bad advice, from someone I thought was a friend. It wasn't till I told her how I felt about you, did I start to see that everything we did together was wrong._

 _I guess I was too late again._

 _You were already slipping away slowly and I should have taken better notice. I saw the signs. And the first thing to go was the light in your eyes._

 _I should've got you help after Leila killed herself. Nobody should have to see or deal with that. I tried to show you after it happened that I didn't want you to be her. However, I don't think I handled what happened to her either. I think everyday that maybe it was me, that helped push her over that edge._

 _I kept thinking about how much of a monster I was. That all I do is hurt people. I should have let you go. But, I was to selfish and couldn't let you go._

 _You made me want to be better. You took my nightmares away. You made me smile. I loved you for you and who you were. I didn't want to change you. In the end, I think I did._

 _I listened to Elena about you signing the contract. I felt like at the time I was losing all control._

 _Issues with Leila, and her ability to get around security, made me start worrying if there was a chance for someone else to get to you. Then I had deals going south, and one was going to end up costing thousands of jobs, then you just disobeyed me at every corner._

 _If I'm honest, it was one of the reason I fell for you. I liked that you didn't just fall to your knees when I said so. However, at the time, I just didn't see it. Elena told me the only way to get that control back was to make you sign and take you to the playroom. Punish you. Show you just how bad it could be, and shape you up._

 _I'm an idiot._

 _I know that now, I thought she was helping, I know now she was making me fail._

 _I'm so sorry._

 _Even after the punishment, I couldn't live with myself. That's why I got rid of all the harsh elements after. I could never do that to you._

 _I should have torn up that contract that second._

 _There's a lot of should haves isn't there._

 _This isn't the way I wanted to tell you I love you._

 _I planned to take you to my parent's gala on Saturday. I was going to show you off to my family. They would have loved you by the way. I was going to introduce you as my girlfriend. Then I was thinking something corny, maybe during the fireworks, to tell you I love you._

 _Friday when you came over, I really saw just what bad of state you were in._

 _And what do I do?_

 _I took you to the playroom. I felt like I needed to beat whatever was going on with you out of you. You wouldn't talk to me. It was killing me you didn't trust me to tell me. I'm to blame for that. You should have felt comfortable enough with me._

 _Then I tried to have sex with you. I thought if I could try and make you feel good… everything would be ok._

 _I guess I'm not as smart as I look._

 _Anyways, the reason Elena was there, was because I was gifting the Salons for her and doing what I needed to do to get her out of my life. I heard what she said to you. I watched the video today. You don't have an aggressive bone in your body and I wanted to know what caused it._

 _I can't blame you. And she was lying. I never wanted you to leave._

 _I should have never yelled at you, or held onto your wrist where you ended up breaking it. I didn't want you to leave. I couldn't think even about handling it if you did leave._

 _My mom and dad know now about Elena and her doings. They know about you. I want to try and make things right with you. I know it won't be easy, but I'll do anything._

 _I'm going to start seeing someone and talking to them to why I'm so fucked up. And not Flynn, i think we've become to close, that he can't help me anymore._

 _Anyways, after you read this, I hope you can give me a chance to talk to you. Maybe start begging. Because I don't want to give up on us._

 _I love you._

 _And I'm sorry for everything. I wish I showed you earlier just what you mean to me._

 _Christian. XX_

He loves me?

I feel the tears prickle in my eyes. I'm so confused.

So very confused.

He let his fear stop him, and I let mine.

But I'm nowhere ready to let him back in. I need to work on me. I need to find out why I became so lost, why I let him overpower me and not stand up for myself.

I need to love me again, before I can love someone else.

"Can you send him in? I want to talk to him. He needs to know, about the baby at least."

"Are you sure? There's always time, you don't have to do it now." I know he's very unsure. But, I need to do this.

"I do. The quicker I deal with it, the quicker I can move forward."

"Alright." He walks over to me and kisses the top of my head.

My dad leaves the room. I'm staring out the window, watching the leaves blow in the wind.

I hear the door open, then I hear his voice.

"Hi."

I turn to look at him.

He's a mess, he has dark circles under his eyes, his hair is standing in all different directions, and his eyes; there's a sadness and an ache in them.

However, the bastard is still as handsome as the day I met him.

"Hi."

 **I love all the reviews I have been getting for this story. Thank you all so much.**

 **I think there only might be a chapter or two left. And don't worry she won't be jumping back in his arms right away.**

 **And the fainting spell Ana had, is something I get alot when my blood pressure drops really low. Especially when I was very sick. My vision goes and every sound is louder. Doesn't happen a lot but when it does it's scary. For those who might be confused to why it happened like that.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Time for the talk..**

 **ANA POV**

"How are you feeling?" He asks me, as he walks closer.

"I've been better I guess."

"I'm so sorry, Ana. I was an idiot…" He starts and I raise my hand to him.

"I read your note. Listen, I have something to tell you before we can go any further. And I don't know how you will take it, but it will also determine if you and I can go any further."

"First, I'm going home to Montesano with my dad. I have a lot of things I need to work on before I can even think of a relationship with you. I'm not even 100% sure it's something I want or we should even do."

I notice his shoulders slump and his head bow. "I understand."

"There's just another thing. Even if we don't have a relationship , depending if you even want to be involved, we might still have to deal with each other."

"What are you saying Anastasia. ." He raises his head to me, he's giving nothing away.

I gulp and prepare myself, "I'm pregnant, Christian." The words stumble out of my mouth. I brace myself for what…

Yelling?

Screaming?

 _Cheering?_

I look up at him and he's gaping at me like a fish. He stumbles backwards into the chair and flops down.

"Wh-at?" He questions, his eyes are panicked.

"I'm pregnant, Christian. The doctor the other day said somewhere between four to six weeks."

Please don't yell. I know how adamant he was about birth control. He even mentioned once that he could never be a father, when I met with Dr. Greene to start my shot.

"But your shot?" He mumbles softly.

"I'm not sure what happened. I haven't had a chance to talk to anyone. It was a shock to me too. But I need to know if you're in or out." I state firmly.

Our future if any, is based on this tiny group of cells growing in my stomach.

He's nodding, while looking into subspace. I'm sure trying to digest everything. He's quiet, I almost think to quiet. His eyes finally find mine again, and he smiles.

"I'm in." He tells me.

"Really?" I squeak.

"Really. I mean, I'm scared shitless. I have no idea how I could be a dad. But, I'll work through it. For you." He pauses briefly and looks down at my stomach. "For us"

I smile, the first true smile I've had in a month. "You mean that?"

"Of course, I do." He stands up and moves closer to me. He sits on the edge of the bed and takes my hand. "I told you, I love you Anastasia. That means I want to be with you every step of the way. I know I haven't really shown you, but I plan to start from this moment on."

"I still need to leave…" I tell him softly. "We can't be us, without me. And the me is really lost right now. You understand, that right?"

"Yes, I want you better, baby. I hate that I did this…" he puts his hand on my cheek.

"It wasn't all you, Christian. I just think you were the shove. But, I don't know. I'm to blame too." I stop. "Did you really get rid of Elena?" I ask changing the subject.

"Yes, I should have told you. I was going to but, you were just…" he sighs. "Like I said I plan to get some help to. I think I let a lot my past get the better of me. I need to work on me too. Can you promise me something?"

"I'll try. But, I think I already know what it is."

"Get healthy. I really want to tie you down and make you eat something, but I know that won't work. If anything for the baby."

"That's the plan."

"So, you're going home with your dad?"

"Yeah, I'm going to try and get in touch with my old therapist. I just think it will be best if we're apart while I do this. I need to focus."

God, knows I might lose myself in you again.

"That won't be easy, but I'll do it. Can we talk, will you let me know how you and the baby are?" His eyes pleading with mine.

Where was this guy months ago, I like him.

"Yeah. That should be fine. But, you know you might find out that you change your mind about me, while I'm away."

"Ana, that's not going to happen. I'm in this for the long haul. I want you and only you."

I take a deep breath and fall back on the bed. I'm overwhelmed right now.

I'm trying so hard to believe him, but this self-doubt is killing me. I mean he's Christian Grey, the hot sexy billionaire. Woman fall at his feet.

Look at me, I'm a hot mess who's in the hospital because she can't eat and keep her emotions in check.

Yeah, I'm special. .. not.

"Stop." He grabs my face and has me look at him. "I hear you over thinking, stop, please. I wish you could see how beautiful, smart and wonderful you are."

I might of not always saw it, but he did always try to make me feel sexy, that I was the only one in the world. It's only now that I can really see what he was doing, in his own way, I guess he did love me.

However, his words are still hard to believe.

"What are you doing about work?"

Fuck! I forgot about work.

"I don't know. I'm hoping maybe they can do some kind of medical leave, if not I guess I'll have to quit, find something later. I have enough money saved…"

Shit, if I quit then I won't have insurance. Ahh…

"You know, I happen to be very close to your boss." He reminds me stopping my worrying.

I giggle slightly. "How did I forget."

But, do I want his special treatment.

Never mind, the worry is back.

"Ana, talk to me."

I blush, remember that's what we need to start doing now.

"I just don't know how it would look if you gave me special treatment. Like it wouldn't be fair to others. I mean I've only been working there for two months. And now I need to take however long off, and shit then I'll need more time after the baby is born…"

"Well, I happen to know my company has a very good long term disability plan, and plus maybe something can be worked out that you can work from your dad's. Telecommute. Whatever you need, Ana. I know it might not seem fair, but i happen to think if any employee needed what you need right now, they would be given the same treatment. Right now, I also think you need to take advantage of it, one less thing to worry about. Our baby needs their mother to be ok." His response is so heartfelt, I want to cry.

Our baby.

Yes, he's right.

But then I see a flash of something in his eyes. The thought has to be dark I can read it on his face, I wonder if it has anything to do with his birth mother.

"Are you ok?"

"I was just thinking…."

"Tell me, please."

"I was just thinking if my birth mother got help, would things be different. Would I be different."

"We're both a mess, aren't we? We might never know what would have happened. You're not that bad of a guy, Grey. I think your heart is in the right spot, your mind just gets in the way."

He sniffles a laugh, "You might be right."

I stifle a yawn and close my eyes for a second.

"I should go and let you get some sleep." He tells me, standing up from the bed.

I don't want him to go, this is the most we've talked in months.

For the first time in a while I feel a little better, not so much of a sinking ship.

"Yeah, it's been a long week"

A long month

He leans down and kisses my forehead. "Keep in touch please. I would like to go to the doctor with you about the baby, if that's ok."

"I would like that too. And Christian?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"I promise to get healthy, but can you promise to maybe cut back the drinking? I know it's not like you. I saw the pictures for Saturday. And by the way you smell right now I can tell you been hitting it hard."

He chuckles, "I think I can manage that. Get some rest, I love you, Anastasia." He tells me again before he's out the door.

 **Christian POV**

Pregnant!

That's not what I was expecting to hear today.

Don't get me wrong I'm scared shitless. A part of me wanted to jump out the window, and run away screaming.

Can I even be someone's dad?

Well, I guess I have nine months to figure it out.

There's no way I cannot be part or his or hers life. I want Ana and they're kind of a two for one deal now.

I Christian Grey am going to be a father. So, I better get my act together.

First thing I need to do is contact a new psychologist.

Next, finish destroying Elena Lincoln and making sure she's completely gone. Hang up the Dom, and better understand a Vanilla relationship.

Then, hopefully contentment, with the one person I love more in this world….

No, make that two

 **One Week Later**

I'm sitting in my office at Grey House. I just gotten back from a session with Dr. Fisher; my new psychologist.

It was rough, we started digging into my childhood. Dr. Fisher thought it would be a good idea to go right for the kicker of the underlying problems.

Let's just say two hours of talking about my birth mother and her pimp, was not how I wanted to start my Monday.

I really wanted to flip a couple tables and chairs afterwards, and get lost in a bottle of liquor. But I somehow remained calm.

Dr. Fisher thinks once I can come to grips with those ghosts everything else might fall into place. Since, I've already started to understand the issues with Elena, that it will be much easier to dissect the misery of my childhood.

My phone ringing pulls me out of my thoughts. I don't bother looking at the caller ID when I answer.

"Grey." I snap.

"Christian?" Her angelic voice rings through my ears. I've missed her voice.

I'm almost instantly calmed.

Even if I just talked to her yesterday. But, I haven't seen her since the day she was admitted to the hospital.

It's killing me.

They kept her in the hospital for two days, to get her electrolytes back in balance and try to get her BP back to normal.

She's going back home to her dad's tomorrow.

It's going to be hard that she's going be so far away. Her therapist thought it would be good if she did an inpatient therapy for a couple of weeks, that focuses with eating disorders and depression, to help regain some of the weight she lost. Ana agreed knowing she would need the push, even though she said she's going to hate it.

I'm nervous about her being away. I mean what if he decides she is better without me. That my fucked upness is too much for her.

I just want a chance to be better, better with her, better for me.

Ana never coming back to me, is a great fear.

Then I remember one important detail…

We have an everlasting connection to each other. Even in the end we only end up as friends.

"Hey, baby. Is everything ok?"

"Everything is fine. I just finished packing. But that's not why I'm calling. I was able to get an appointment today at 1:30 with an OB. I know you said you wanted to come." She says nervously.

"Of course, I want to be there. Where at? Or do you want me to pick you up?"

"Can you pick me up? I've been kind of sick today. So…"

She's been telling me the morning sickness has been intense the last couple of days. Doesn't help when she needs that weight back and the baby has other plans.

"Yeah, I'll meet you at your place at One."

"Thank you. I'll see you then." She tells me.

"I love you baby. I'll see you soon."

I know she won't tell me she loves me anytime soon. I'm still hoping that she will end up loving me at some point.

But, I want to keep telling her so she knows. Remind her every second that she is loved.

One a clock finally rolls around and I'm actually giddy.

I get to see Ana after a one long full week. I ring the doorbell and it's not long before she answers the door.

A small smile graces her lips, it's good to see. She's still pale, but some of the light in her eyes has come back.

"I just need to grab my purse and we can go."

She grabs her purse and we make our way to my car. I help her and drive out to the doctor's office.

Ana signs in at the reception and I take a seat in the waiting room. I look around the room and notice two other women waiting, both with protruding bellies, at different stages of pregnancy.

Ana comes and sits down next to me, grabbing a _Parents_ magazine.

She's reading an article about breastfeeding, and I glance over her shoulder to read as well.

She looks up at me and smiles before going back to reading her article.

The thought of her breastfeeding our child, puts a smile on my face.

I can picture her loving and nurturing our child the way a mother should.

The way my mother should have.

I'm brought out of my reprieve by the nurse calling Ana's name.

The nurse leads us to a room and tells Ana to change in a gown and take off her underwear, before leaving the room.

"Turn around, Grey. And get your mind out of the gutter." She tells me.

She knows me so well, knowing that i'm thinking of her being in front of me sans panties.

I just laugh my acknowledgement and turn around.

Ana finishes changing and there's a knock on the door. The doctor comes in after Ana gives the ok.

"Mom, Dad, you ready to see your baby?" The doctor greets.

I smile, I'm going to be somebody's dad.

And I swear in this moment, I'm not going to let him or her down.

 **Ana**

I look over at Christian and watch his eyes light up as the image of our little blip fills the screen.

In this moment, just for a second, nothing feels wrong.

Our baby's heart is beating on the screen.

The baby is ok.

I'm now responsible for someone else's life. I knew that last week, but now it's really real. The proof is on the screen.

I'm shocked and awed.

I'm someone's mother and I will get better for us.

That dream in the meadow where we're we are both laughing, happy. It can now maybe be a reality.

"Everything looks good for seven weeks. However, I would like for you to try and get back to a normal weight. I know you mentioned your morning sickness, so try little snacks and meals. If it keeps getting worse, let me know. But most important stay hydrated."

I nod my understanding.

"Alright, I want you to make an appointment for four weeks. But feel free to call if you have any questions."

'Thank you," Dr. Fredericks shakes both of our hands and leaves me to get dressed again.

"You look happy?" I ask him.

"I am. I'm having a baby with a woman I love. How could I not be?"" He grins at me.

"How do you do that?"

"Do what?" He asks me curiously.

"Shut it off? I mean this is a totally different you. You were always kind of cold and calculating. And now… I don't know how to explain it. It's like Jekyll and Hyde."

I sigh, it's like day and night and I'm confused. How does he just so easily change and why am I so stuck in this?

"I told you Ana. I didn't know how to show you before that I loved you and I wanted more with you. I closed off these feelings because I wouldn't let them exist. I was miserable when you left. I started to see more and more that I had closed myself off, to maybe avoid getting hurt. Trust me, I'm in long talks with my therapist." He sighs. "I know right now it's hard to believe. I don't want to be that cold and calculating guy with you. That needs to stay in the boardroom. What I'm doing right now is trying. It's not all the way shut off."

"So, you really want this? You're just not saying all this to get me back in the playroom?"

"Ana," He sounds exacerbated, and I know I'm pushing it. But, I need help understanding.

I want to believe him. I want to believe him so badly. But, there's this voice in my head telling me it's all shit and you're not worth it.

He stands up so he's standing in front of me. "If we never go in the playroom again, I couldn't give a shit. Sure, there might be things I would want with you. But, all if it means nothing without you. And I will keep telling you that everyday, till you believe me." He states firmly.

He takes my chin in his hand, and softly kisses my lips. It's ever so short, but it says a lot more, than any other kiss he's given me.

It told me a lot more than his words ever could.

Damn him, and the magic powers he waves.

Yes, I need to get away from this man, before I ride him like a bronco.

Why does he make me so… confused? Why can't this just be simple?

"Can I drive you to Montesano tomorrow?" He asks breaking me out of my spell.

"Yeah, I would like that. It'll make it a lot easier on my dad, not to drive back and forth."

My dad wanted to stay with me, but he also wanted to get my room ready for me. I told him I would be ok. I needed some peace away from his hovering. I know I'm going to get a lot of that in the future.

"Why don't we go get something to eat?" He offers. "Maybe something easy, like soup? I know this great deli…"

I am hungry.

But should I?

"Stop over thinking, I just want to feed the mother of my child."

"Yes, sir." I joke with a smile.

It causes him to groan. "As much as I love to see you smile and joke. Cut it out."

"Sorry. Old habits. Now turn again so I can change and you can feed me. I know you've been dying too."

I finish dressing, and grab a hold of his hand before we walk out the door.

"Christian?"

"Yes?"

"I'm here for you too. I know you're doing a lot also. And you're not alone. I might not be able to say the words, like you can to me. But I'm here. We can do this together."

He smiles at me, "Thank you, Ana." He pauses and studies my face, "Let's go get something to eat."

During lunch our conversation is light and almost normal. For once we don't talk about what is wrong, we keep it simple to some light family gossip.

I hope when I get back that it can be like this.

Just Ana and Christian and not Dom and Submissive.

Because Ana and Christian sounds like a good pair.

Plus, one tiny person that looks like the both of us.

I think as I rub my belly.

I'm glad I'm going to start finding myself on a high note.

Someone loves me and now I need to learn to love myself.

 **A/N: So, the next chapter is going to take us into a time jump. Not too big of a one. It might also take me a little longer for me to post, because it's going to dive into what might have caused Ana to lose herself with Christian. (with Christian not because of Christian). And we already know what Christian's problems are. I'm not doing months of therapy sessions. I'm going to flashback on the one's that are important. If you noticed that the Gray skies are starting to lift. It's important to know that someone loves her, as she goes on (either it's her un-born child or Christian) and supports her. I know some will ask. Christian will be apart of her pregnancy. They might not see each other, (and nothing really happens in those first months. At least I don't think so) but they will talk. I'll mention more of it in the next chapter.**

 **Thank you to all the reviews I have gotten for this story. They mean the world to me. Some have shared their own personal struggles with depression and I thank you for sharing. It's a cruel mistress. But I think it makes us stronger I hope that you have support  
**

 **You're all great.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: So yesterday while writing this chapter and the next one, I ended up losing so much of my work...So mad... but thanks to my hero Stargazer93 who helped with these last two chapters and some of you kind readers words for me not to just throw this away. I was so crazy mad. I mean three hours of work down the drain, that I typed on my phone! The next one is where I lost a lot most of my work, so I'm going to try and fix it. Like I had the perfect ending and poof. But, I want to give you this one now, while I touch up the final chapter, and stop yelling at it, to remember the words I typed. **

**Two weeks later:**

 **Ana:**

I'm meeting with Dr. Penick so she can hopefully tell me I can go home, back to my dad's. I've gained the ten pounds back that kept me underweight.

I've been talking in group sessions, and one-on-one with the good doctor during the days.

I really do hate it in this place.

It's not so much the therapy sessions I hate, it's the not being able to do _more_ … all the sitting around on your ass all day; I get antsy and bored.

 _Give me something to do!_

Since, this is also an eating disorder clinic, standing and walking are pretty much not allowed, unless _absolutely_ necessary.

You know; can't burn those extra calories.

I roll my eyes.

At least with my time with Christian Grey, I'm used to always feeling watched. There are cameras everywhere in here; even in the rooms.

There's always someone watching us eat; making sure we eat every last thing on our plates. I'd much rather have Christian watch me eat. At least there was sex at the end of almost every meal. For some reason; the not eating made me feel better about myself. It made me feel good. The fact that I could at least control _that_ aspect in my life.

I've discovered through my talks with Dr. Penick and the group that I never really recovered from when I was in a mess last time.

However, I believe the first time was worse.

Because of him.

 _Steven Morton_ _._

The enemy. The one that helped bring me to the lowest of lows ever in my life.

I was thirteen when he was brought into my life. When my mother divorced the only father I've ever known and made me move in with that creep.

The memories of that time have flooded my head the whole time I've been here. I've had to resurface and work through every memory, all over again.

The man hated me. My mom did nothing about anything he was doing. She _knew_ what Steven was doing to me. I remember hearing them fight about me and what he was doing, telling him to stop. He would say I needed to be taught a lesson. One time I remember he hit my mother so hard that she went flying into a dresser.

But she continued to stay with him...

I remember my fourteenth birthday… more so, I remember the hurt and the pain he caused me that day.

It was pretty much the start of the downward spiral.

I had invited a bunch of my friends to a party, including a boy I liked. Well, that boy ended up coming with my best friend, as her date. I was devastated. I ended up locking myself in my room after that.

 _What else would an embarrassed fourteen-year-old do? Be all happy, smiley while she paraded him around? Yeah, no thanks._

A while later, Steven stormed into my room, grabbed me by the arm and started to shake me. He was pissed at me for leaving the party, and all the food was going to waste. He told me I had to suck it up, and deal with it.

My mother had told him the reason I was upset. I hated her in that moment too.

I started crying, not understanding why he hated me so much.

He laughed at me and started saying that no boy could or would ever want me. I was fat and disgusting. That if there ever was a man that wanted to fuck me, that I better hold onto him, because I should be surprised there was a man out there that would actually want to touch me.

Then he dragged me downstairs and demanded that I eat! He plated plate after plate of food, forcing me to eat. I was so sick, that I ended up throwing up right there. Then when I was finished throwing up, he smacked me for still wasting the food.

It was the only time he hit me, but the slap still stings.

My mother just stood there, watching. I couldn't believe she wouldn't stop him. She was crying, but she wouldn't stop him.

After that day, his words became harsher. Always about my weight, how ugly I was, stupid, and what a waste of space I was.

I didn't want to believe him, but then people at school started to avoid me like the plague. Finally, someone admitted that Steven told everyone to stay away from me.

I never found out the words he said to them that made them stay away.

So, I became a loner, I stopped eating. I couldn't look at food, it would make me sick to my stomach. I started losing weight, and got really thin. Then Steven started to insult me with how skinny I was.

 _Nothing impressed him._

Finally, when I turned sixteen, I got enough courage to call Ray. He picked me up and took me away. He threatened Carla to stay away or else he'd go to the authorities about how I was being treated. She signed her rights away soon after that. Ray then hooked me up with Dr. Penick.

Once Steven was out of the picture and I started getting better, I thought it was over, that I was better.

And no matter how hard I tried to believe that part of my life was over.

 _It wasn't._

Christian and I were more alike in ways that we couldn't let our past go.

I can't blame him for everything, I knew what I was getting into. Should have stood up for myself, but I let the past ghost control me and my thoughts. His demons entwined with mine.

 _I wonder how he's doing?_

I haven't been able to really _talk_ to him since I've been here. I had to result to the lost art of letter writing while cooped up in here. He writes me back, but leaves them light hearted, not talking about the issues. Which is fine by me, for now.

I'm drumming my fingers on my lap waiting for the good old doctor, as my mind recalls some memories of my past.

Dr. Penick walks in, smiling, dragging my head out of the past and landing me smack bang where I am now. "Alright, Ana. This will be our last session in this place. I know you're looking forward to going home. But, before we start our out-patient talks, you said there was something you wanted to mention to begin those talks?"

"I saw a girl kill herself in front me. I was helpless. I couldn't help her. I tried to talk her out of it. I couldn't save her." I blurt out.

"Where was this?"

"Christian's apartment. She was in love with him. She kept going on about how I had more and why not her. I kept trying to tell her it wasn't true. But she stalked us, saw me share a bed with Christian." I shake my head.

"She thought it was absurd that he would even want more with _me._ That I wasn't even pretty. That _he would_ throw me away just like she had been."

"At the time, she was right, I was _more._ We didn't have a contract, her last words to me were, "you'll be just like me", she then slit her wrists. I tried everything to stop the bleeding but they were too deep." I rub my face, her pale face still haunting my nightmares. I still see her when I close my eyes and it scares the hell out of me, how close I was to becoming _her_.

"Christian held me that night, and every night he felt I needed it. He promised I wouldn't be like her. That I wasn't like her. He swore to me, but he lied, so in the end I did become just like her. A week later, I signed the contract. After he promised I was different. He _swore_ I was different, but he needed the contract. So, I held on, believing more would end up coming from him. That it was only a piece of paper." I shake my head and laugh.

"I didn't want to lose him. At that point I thought if I did, she would be right and he would throw me away. I fell in love with him. I just wanted him to love me back. I had hoped he would offer both. For a month, I kept believing he wanted more with me. Then I heard him on the phone talking to _her."_ I know for a fact that there's vile in my voice. I hate that bitch troll. She makes my skin crawl.

"What was said? Do you think maybe you misheard?"

"I don't know, maybe. Christian thought I had gone to bed. But, I had a nightmare about Leila again. He always told me I could go to him if I couldn't sleep. That he would keep my nightmares away. I mean he could be so sweet sometimes…" I stop, remembering the moment he tore my heart out, but for some reason I held on.

"Do you need a second, Ana?" She hands me a tissue and I didn't even know I was crying.

"He was talking to _her_ about me. I could hear her because she was on speaker. She asked him, if he's been able to train me correctly, if he showed me how well he wields a cane. He told her yes, that I handled it fabulously." I huff.

"I'll spare the details of them talking about what a good fuck _she_ used to be, or how _she_ had someone lined up for him when he was finally sick of me and fucked me out of his system. I was surprised when he yelled at her about it, saying he wouldn't ever get sick of me. My heart soared for a minute but it came crashing down after she asked if he was falling for me. Christian then told her, ' _there was no way he could ever fall in love with me… I was just his sub_ ', but he was having a good time training me."

"You know, from what you've told me, Christian was dealing with his own problems, such as being manipulated by _her._ Did he ever hit you like that again afterwards?"

"No."

"Did he try to show you other ways he might have cared?"

I shrug, "Maybe. I kind of shut off after that." I admit. "Why didn't I leave then?" I ask.

"Why do you think you didn't leave?"

I groan at her response. I hate when she throws my question back at me.

"Because, I thought it was all I was worth. It wasn't like anyone else would want me. It was like Steven was right and I should hold on to what I have, nothing but a fuck because that's all I'll be."

"Do you still believe that?"

"Yes and no. I mean Christian told me he loves me. That I'm all he wants. I mean, I showed you the letter." She nods.

"But, I don't know I can't help what he sees in me. He's hot and not to mention rich, he could have any girl he wanted. Why would he want someone as messed up as me?"

"Ana. You are not messed up." Dr. Penick says firmly. "What I want you to do before our next meeting is write down what is special about you. The things you're good at, and what you like about yourself, before the voices in your head tell you otherwise. Then, I want you to look in the mirror and repeat those words every day, twice a day. I want you to go out and socialize. Ask your friend…" she shuffles the papers. "Kate to come out of you think she will help. You told me she was a great support for you during college. I'm not saying going to the bar and pick up guys."

She chuckles and I huff.

 _Because being pregnant is of course the best way to get a guy._

"But, get out there, let the world show you how great you are. You need to start rebuilding your self-confidence. I think once you start to have that, everything will start to fall in place. You'll feel braver, stronger, and not to mention happier. That's what I want us to start focusing on next time. Then, also we will slowly break down the demons holding you down with your new confidence. You will start to see they're all lies."

"That's a lot to think about, doc." I sit up in my chair, pulling my hair out of its bun. "My head's pounding."

"I don't doubt that. I know it's a bit of a mental overload, but if you can work on what I've asked, I think you'll see that it _gives_ you something to do, it will keep your mind on the positives, not the negatives." She gives me a kind smile. "The next time I see you will be in the comforts of a better office, less clinical than here."

"That doesn't exactly make me feel better." I sigh.

"You won't be in here, under constant watch. I've looked at the tapes; you've been a model patient, Ana, the nurses and other physicians can attest to that. Your biggest challenge lies outside those doors, and I think you're ready for it. The question is; are you?"

And for once, I think I know the answer.

It took almost an hour after that final session to be given the all clear to go… home. Ray, of course, wanted to make sure everything was settled and that I wouldn't need to come back for anything. I only went in with some clothes and the letter Christian wrote to me, and that's still tucked in my jacket.

The ride home is quiet; Ray started talking about the Mariner's but he could see that I wasn't really _there,_ and dropped the conversation. I hate that I couldn't find anything to talk to him about; but he'd been to see me in the days leading up to my release, and there really wasn't a lot else we had to talk about.

There's a sense of déjà vu when I get home and settled into my old childhood bedroom. Nothing's changed since the last time I was here, and while it makes me sad, it makes me realise that Ray has never really wanted me to leave, either. Sighing, I sit down at my desk and get to work on the task Dr. Penick set out for me.

I pull out a piece of paper and a pen and stare at the blank sheet.

It's mocking me.

I have nothing

 _Not a thing._

I rub my hand over my still flat stomach. "Little baby, do you have any ideas? ...No?" I giggle at how ridiculous I'm being.

Well I got one thing

 _*I will be a good mother._

I have no doubt in my mind that I will be a good mother.

There's a knock on my door and Ray peers in, "Dinner's almost ready, kiddo." He comes in and sits on my bed. "How you doing?"

"I'm ok."

"Speaking of being ok, that _boy_ called for you. He wants you to call him whenever you want." He grunts.

I giggle at my dad's expression when he thinks of Christian. "Daddy, he just cares."

I think.

 _I hope._

He says he does.

 _You know exactly what he says, Ana_

 _Shut up brain. I'm tired of fighting with you._

"I know, and that's why I haven't told him to shove off." He smiles.

I shake my head at him.

"I'm going to call him. Then I'll be down for dinner."

"Alright." He pats my shoulder and leaves the room.

I take my cell phone out of my bag, that I've had off for weeks. I plug it into the charger and make my call to Christian.

He picks up on the second ring, " _Ana…_ "

"Hey."

" _It's so good to hear your voice. I'm missed you. How are you? Your dad said you just got home._ " He says in a rush.

"I'm doing alright. Better than I was, that's for sure. How have you been?"

" _I guess you could say the same. What are you doing?_ " He asks and I sigh deeply. " _What?_ "

"Oh, Dr. Penick wants to me to write everything I like about myself or I do well. So far, I have one thing," I huff.

" _And what's that?_ "

"That I'll be a good mom." I say softly.

" _That is true. I couldn't ask for a better mom for my kids…_ "

I think my heart just stopped. He said kids!

It might have been a slip of the tongue.

I choose to ignore it.

"That's so sweet…"

" _I can also think of a couple more things as well, if you need some help…_ " He tells me.

I give a half laugh.

I feel unsure. Like what if he's just saying it to make me feel better?

But, then again, why would he lie? Waste his time to humor me.

" _Ana? Hello?_ "

"Sorry, I tend to space out a lot. Yes, tell me."

" _For one, I love you._ " I can hear him smile over the phone.

Yes, I like hearing that.

It still kills me I can't return it….

I'm just not ready yet.

" _You're absolutely stunning and beautiful. I think you know what you do to me. You're eyes though, they're captivating, and the bluest of blue I've ever seen. You have a big heart, and always care for others. You're a good friend, by the way Kate says hi_." He chuckles.

"You've seen Kate?"

" _Well, she does date my brother_." He chuckles. " _Now back to my list. Oh, you're good at your job. Roach was telling me how well you're doing, and he's looking forward to your return._ "

"Really? Does he know what happened?"

" _No, Ana. It's none of their business. I told them that you would be out. I have you out for long term leave, so you'll be getting paid. Roach understood. I wouldn't tell them your private business._ "

"I know… I trust you, Christian. I just didn't know what reason you might have given them."

" _I'm the boss, deal with it._ " He laughs and I laugh in return. Knowing him, that probably was the reason.

" _Now back to my list… you're funny. And you have a smart mouth…_ "

I giggle.

It feels so good to laugh. When was the last time I did?

"How is that a positive?"

" _Because for one, it turns me on… but besides that it can be quite humorous. But it also makes you strong, because you don't back down._ "

"I don't know why you ever said you didn't have a heart, Christian…"

There's a knock on my door and I tell him to hold on in the middle of his protest. My dad walks in with a plate of Chicken and rice. He places it on my desk.

"When you didn't show up, I figured I bring it to you."

"Thank you." He nods before leaving the room.

"Sorry, it was my dad bringing me dinner."

"Oh, then I should let you go, so you can eat."

"No,"

 _I'm not done talking to you_ , _Mister_. I missed his voice

And right now, he's making me feel like I could soar.

"I can eat while I talk to you. Plus, I'm sure it would make you happy to..um.. hear me eat?"

" _Actually, it would. You know if you do come back. I promise to have my food issues dealt with too. I'm going to try and not be so crazy about it._ "

"Don't go losing too many of your shades for me. I happen to like some of them on you. Once in a while you could show me some good ones."

God, I don't want him to think that he has to strip everything of who he is for me.

" _Oh really? Like what?_ " He asks, intrigued.

"Well, to start. I really like this one right now. He's sweet and caring. Then there's goofy Christian. Like when you try to joke and you fail miserably."

" _Hey…I happen to think I'm funny. Thank you very much._ "

"Oh, then there's your generous shade. Should I keep going? I mean you do have about fifty of them."

"No, I get it, baby. Let's talk more about you…"

We spend the rest of the night on the phone. At one point, he got the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book out and read it to me. I think we both cringed a couple of times.

Some crazy shit is going to start happening to my body.

And I plan to try an enjoy every second of it.

We ended up falling asleep, because I woke the next morning with him snoring in my ear.

Finally, a little bit of bliss.

 **Three weeks later:**

 **Christian POV**

It's been five weeks since I've seen her.

 _Five._

I've missed her like crazy. And today I finally get to see her, so we can attend her doctor's appointment together.

The first two weeks were the hardest, because I wasn't able to talk to her. I was only able to write her letters. It sucked, but I decided I needed to focus on doing more sessions with Dr. Fisher. I ended up seeing her two times a day, for two weeks.

We've really divulged into talking about my first four years of my life.

The dark days.

The days that shaped me.

I spent almost two sessions, yelling and screaming that my birth mother never loved me. Dr. Fisher made me reach deep down and drag out the good memories I had of her, even if it was only one.

After two nights of nightmares, ones where I pretty much screamed the penthouse down. I remembered the pain and the hunger, so vividly. Taylor had to come in and calm me down. He thought someone was attacking me.

Taylor has heard my nightmare before, but I don't think he'd ever heard them, the way he did those nights.

After a very long special session where I spilled out everything that ever happened to me, everything that I remembered, I actually cried.

It was hard.

I haven't cried since I was little. I balled like a big baby.

However, it was almost freeing to get them out in the open. We sat and talked about the moments, but then how lucky I was to meet the Grey's. How they cared for me, how they _loved_ me.

Even though my mother couldn't show my love to me, the Grey's did. I was able to be loved, however the horridness of my childhood blocked it.

Then you enter Elena into the equation. Well, her words were able to cloud what my mom and dad were trying to do to me.

I was going through such a hard time as a teenager. Trying to drink away the pain. My mother saw her as a friend and traded stories with her about what was going on. Like me, my mother trusted the devil.

I sold my soul to Elena in the hopes and needs to better myself. She gave me sex, I mean most teenage boys would jump at the chance to fuck a cougar. With the promise of sex, I had to stop drinking, fighting and get good grades. If I misbehaved in any way, I was punished.

So, I did everything I did to keep my Domme happy.

I was young enough to be manipulated in her hands. Play into her _love is for fool's_ bullshit so I would never want to leave her hold. Even when I became a Dom, she controlled me, supplying me with Subs.

Then I met Ana.

My views started to change. Ana… she was something else; something pure, something _better_.

She made me want to be better.

But I fell for Elena's traps. It just took being with Ana to start seeing it differently.

A _friend_ should have been happy for me, not trying to do everything in her power to stop my happiness.

I feel like such a dumbass.

No, I _am_ a dumbass. But now, I can start changing making things right again.

That night after that session that took just about _everything_ from me, a session where I'm surprised that I didn't ruin a single piece of furniture, I slept. And for once, the first time without Ana, I dreamt.

My dreams were different that night, they were filled with something better. Good memories. My mother baking me a cake; I remember her smile, and a kiss to my forehead. I'm brushing her hair, and I remember her laugh.

Then I remembered her sad eyes, _lost_. Almost the way Ana looked… before she left me.

Her light shut off. That's when the pimp started coming around. Was there ever anyone else around to help her, support her? I mean, I don't even know if she had family.

No one came to claim me, so maybe she really was all alone. Lost and afraid. Maybe she felt there was no other way. Maybe in an act of selfishness, she did it for me to have a better life.

 _Maybe_.

But, I guess in a way, I loved her. She was my mother, after all.

In return, I know I'll be able to start accepting other's love for me.

Especially my child's.

So, here I am, on Ana's father's doorstep. I ring the doorbell, excitement filling my belly at seeing her again. I have a bouquet of wild flowers, her favorite, that I hope won't be thrown back in my face.

 _Why would she? By the way we've been talking lately, I think I might still have some chance of salvaging what I've done._

Just last night, I got some great news, that I can't wait to share with her. When we talked last night, I told her I wanted to tell her in person.

Ana flings open the door, and she is a sight to see. She looks so much better. Her skin has more color, her cheeks are now rosy and she's put some weight on. She's absolutely stunning.

 _Just as beautiful as the day I met her._

She catches me off guard and wraps her arms around my neck, her lips pressing against my cheek.

It takes me a minute to catch my equilibrium and hug her back. I pull her to me and relish in the feel of her.

"I've missed you." I tell her, whispering into her hair.

"I've missed you, too."

I sigh content, knowing she missed me too.

I pull away from her, holding her outstretched in my arms.

"You look good."

 _Really good_.

And it takes a lot my self-control not to kiss her hard on the lips, then take her to her room and make love to her.

"Well, two weeks in the hospital, and two weeks of them shoving high calorie shakes down your throat helped." She giggles.

 _It's amazing that she's got such a positive outlook on the whole thing._

"Well, you look amazing, baby"

"Thank you, Mr. Grey. Do you want to sit down? We don't have to leave for at least another hour."

"These are for you." I hand her the flowers.

"Thank you." She says as she gives them a whiff. "Thank you for all the flowers you've sent me. And the little notes mean a lot."

Ever since she told me one of her assignments was to say good things about her. Once a week I send her some flowers with a note that says what I love about her.

"You're welcome." We go sit on the couch and Ana places the flowers on the table.

"Is your dad here?" The last time I saw him was when I dropped Ana off here five weeks ago, he wanted my blood. If looks could kill, I would have been dust on the ground.

He only grunted at me before walking back into the house.

"No, he's at work. And don't worry he's not after your blood anymore, I swear."

"I doubt that. I mean if anything, I knocked up his girl before I could make an honest woman out of her."

Ana looks at me shocked, her mouth slightly parted.

 _Yes, baby. When everything is better, I want to marry you._

She shakes it off and we go move towards the couch.

"So, what's been happening, how's work?" She asks eagerly. I know she's dying to know what I wanted to tell her in person. But, I can also see the passing worry on her face. She's lost in space, I can see the wheels turning in her head.

 _She's overthinking._

"Ana?"

"Yeah?" She says softly.

"You spaced out there for a minute. You ok?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Sorry."

She's so darn cute, and in attempt to calm her down, I kiss her nose. "You're overthinking, baby. I know you're hungry for information about what I wanted to tell you."

She nods, staring at me, the worry still in those pretty blue orbs of her.

"And you're thinking the worst. aren't you?"

 _Baby, I love you. I'm not going anywhere._

She nods again.

"I'm sorry…." I start.

 _Shit, why did I say that?_

I can see the panic in her eyes.

 _Keep going Grey._

"It was just really important and I think you deserved to hear it in person…." I pause, looking for a way to say it.

"I have officially cut Elena out of my life, out of _our_ lives. Her salons have all been sold off. I sold them to one of her stylists, Franco, for a hundred dollars. And the kicker of it all is that she's in jail awaiting trial."

I can see the worry she had fall from her shoulders. Those clear blue eyes look up at me, her interest peaked at the news.

"For what?"

"I was a dumbass and kept myself blinded to her antics. The Sub she had was 21. But, when I kicked her out that day… I made an assumption about her younger taste in boys. The worry and fear in her told me everything. So, I figured something had to be up…"

I run my hands through my hair and pull. I always thought I was a smart man, but if I'm being perfectly honest; I'm an idiot.

I hate Elena so much. If I just kept my eyes open I would have seen it. If I had opened my mouth sooner about what was going on, it wouldn't have happened

I was her victim.

"Christian…" Her voice throws me out of my thoughts and she places her hand on my bicep.

"Who's over thinking things now?" I look up at her and she's smirking.

I laugh slightly.

 _We're such a pair._

"I'm sorry. So anyways, I had some of my guys look into her computers and financials of her. Not only was her Sub a child when he started, but she had also just found a new child, who was fourteen, and also possession of child porn. Thankfully, my name hasn't been connected to any of her doings besides her taking money out of the salons, but my father is handling it."

"But are you worried about being connected to her?"

"Yes, there were pictures of me." I gulp. "She had a bunch of me of every age when I was her submissive. However, Barney was able to go in and destroy all the pictures on her laptop. And well, Taylor took care of the ones in her home. I have a strong feeling it will be ok."

Money can take care of anything. Plus, I know I did nothing wrong. So, I have nothing to hide. I just don't know how many other young boys she hurt in the process. How many more did she ruin, because I didn't speak up. I might have been able to end the cycle.

"I know what you're thinking, Christian. It's not your fault. She used you and manipulated you. That's what pedophile's do. She pretty much brainwashed you. That's why they usually pick troubled kids. It's not your fault. You wanted something better when you were younger. She waived something in front of you, that you wanted, in hopes of getting better. But, the fact that now you're doing everything to change that, and make her pay, is all you can do."

But, is it enough.

She moves to sit on my lap and puts her arms around me, resting her head in my shoulder.

"Does it help to tell you I'm proud of you."

"Yes, it helps a lot, baby."

X—X—X—X-X

"Miss. Steele, I'm Dr. Adams. We're going to take a look at your baby, to see how he or she is doing." He smiles at both of us.

"Have you had any bleeding or cramping?"

"No." She answers, and I sigh not knowing I was holding it in.

"Alright let's take a look at your little one."

Dr. Adams pulls out the ultrasound machine. Ana lifts up her shirt and the doctor squirts some gel on her belly.

He takes the probe and rubs it over her stomach. On the screen is our baby. The doctor does some measurements, and our little blip moves around on the screen.

"The baby is measuring very well for 13 weeks. The heartrate is strong 155 bmp." He tells us, as he keeps moving the probe. He's still so tiny, but we can make out some the features on his face.

I'm totally in love with this little baby.

I'm also totally in love with the woman carrying my baby.

Ana is staring at the screen with a huge smile on her face and a few tears running down her cheek. I take the pad of my thumb and brush them off.

Just watching her, makes me kind of see, that my mother could have loved me. She carried me to term, and she did what she could for me. She might have not been the best mother.

But she was mine.

I'll never know for sure what her struggles were, but I think it's time to let it go. I need to, so I can be the best father for my child.

My son or daughter.

"Can you tell if it's a boy or girl yet?" I ask.

"No, not yet. You might be able to at your next appointment." He prints out a couple of pictures for us. "If not, by 20 weeks you should be able to tell."

"Ana, I want to re-check some of your iron levels, along with some other things. Just to make sure everything is on the up and up. The fact that you're at a normal weight is a good start. Keep eating healthy and take your prenatals. You're doing good. Just keep it up. But if you have any bleeding or pain, don't hesitate to call. Alright?"

"Alright, thank you doctor." Ana tells him. He shakes both of our hands and leaves us.

Ana stands up and I move to stand in front of her before she goes. I bend down and kiss her belly. I hear Ana giggle and I move up and kiss her gently on the lips.

"You've made me a very happy man in this moment, Anastasia."

She places her hand on my cheek. I look at her, getting lost in her eyes. I can see her love for me. I know she can't tell me. But, it doesn't matter because I can feel it. We'll get there. I know we will.

We have too.

"You make me pretty happy too, Christian." She whispers.

 **A/N** : **The clouds have started to lift. As I said before I'm not going to spend chapters of writing therapy sessions, but the moments they see things getting better. I have a strong belief that you might not always recover from the darkness, but you can make most days light again, if you really want to try. Sometimes it's not that easy. I know. Trust me. However, with love and support it makes things easier. Plus, it's fiction and my people need to be happy again. So fair warning at the end of this story, there no where near perfect or 100% cured. But life will be a little easier once they let go of the demons.**

 **Last chapter next**


	6. Chapter 6

**Three weeks Later:**

 **Ana POV**

I'm finally ready to return back to Seattle, after two long months of intense therapy. I've learned so much these past few months, and I also feel free and more relaxed. I have set up with a new therapist in Seattle, that Dr. Penick recommend. Dr. Penick thinks it would be good for me now, to get back in a normal routine of working and life again.

So, I'm going home.

At the moment, I'm scared about going back to reality.

I know when I go back to work, people are going to judge me for being away so long.

I'm sure somehow, they found out I'm a nutcase.

I can feel their beady eyes on me already.

Deep breaths, Ana.

You're not nutty.

 _You're a wonderful human being with a big heart. I repeat one of the mantras, I've been saying for the last couple months._

 _The only one judging me is me._

Oh, I hate these inner battles, between good and bad.

It'll be ok, Ana.

 _Please, tell me it's going to be ok._

And more than likely they don't know. Christian promised he hasn't said a word for my reasons, and that nobody has asked either.

Oh and he only told me to stop worrying a thousand times.

Christian did manage to have Roach set me up for Telecommute. I can skype as needed and check emails with authors and so on. So, I have been able to work some.

It was nice to get my mind of things and do what I love; reading manuscripts and editing. It's a great way to escape the real world. Can just run away into another life, feel like maybe you're someone else.

I've been able to keep the weight on that I lost. Not to mention a few extra pounds from the pregnancy. The impatient care helped see to that, not to mention the pregnancy itself. Ginger became my newest friend to keep the morning sickness away, which helped with bringing back my appetite slightly. Plus, a lot of my stress was melting away which made my stomach not so tied up in knots.

 _I kind of miss Christian tying me up._

 _Not only Is this pregnancy making me hungry it's make me horny._

Once the morning sickness was over, Wendy's Frostys became a new love in my diet. I couldn't go to bed without one. I'm pretty sure I'm wearing five pounds of the fast food treat.

 _If I'm going to put on the pounds, might as well enjoy doing it._

I think it might be safe to say I buried the thoughts of Steven away. Sure, they might not be totally gone, but I feel so much better, free.

Sometimes the insincerities sneak up, I don't know if those will ever go completely away. It's just teaching myself methods on how to handle them. And stop believing the words of a sick delusional man. The only words that matter are the ones that come from people that love me, and how I want to feel about myself.

One of the techniques the good doctor did with me was something as simple as writing all the things he said to me and then burning them. Then the notes of every that I love about me are to replace the ones burned.

Burn away the demons and replace with something pure and good.

Then there's my mother who I haven't seen in years. It was time to forgive her. So, I called her and she actually agreed to come to a session. She was more than thrilled to join me. I really think she was thankful for the phone call from me.

I haven't been able to talk to her since I left.

So, she flew to Georgia to Montesano the next day and we laid it all on the line. She apologized so many times for not protecting me. She would try when I wasn't around, but would end up getting beat herself. She was just afraid to leave.

She too, thought it was just some she deserved. Especially after the way she treated Ray. A man, she knows now, was more than perfect. And she threw it away. In way, she thought she was asking for it.

Steven had such a hold on her. So, when Ray took me, she signed over her rights so I would have a better chance and get away. She said she couldn't protect me from him and it was the only way she knew how. She hated herself for letting what happen, happen. For not fighting for me harder.

So, we spent two days, talking, crying and yelling. For me to keep moving on, I had to forgive her. I could see she was honest and she needed to be forgiven, so she could move on as well.

We are going to try a relationship. But, only time will tell to see what happens there.

My little Blip, is growing, I'm now sixteen weeks pregnant. I now have a small pouch where my baby lays inside of me. I went to the doctor three weeks ago, and he or she is doing good. I was so happy when Christian was able to make it for the appointment.

The way his face lit up like the fourth of July, made my heart bloom. He really wants our baby. He even showed me pictures of the room he started prepping for the baby.

Now only to figure to paint it blue or pink.

Also, I'm not sure who is more excited about going shopping for the baby. But, I think its him.

He also asked if I would move in after the baby was born. Even if nothing comes of us, he really wants to be part of the baby's life and help out. I told him I would be more than happy too.

Because I think I know now it can work between us. We've both grown in such a short time.

I could hear the relief in his voice when I told him yes. I think he thought he was going to have to beg harder. I mean were having a baby together. I want us to try.

He told me he took a parenting class to help teach him everything from diaper to proper holding techniques.

He really wants this baby. It's great to hear how it excited he is.

He's really come to terms about what Elena did to him. It's like the cold hard Dom had almost faded into the background. Granted, I only spent a day with him, but I can really see he's trying.

I mean I must've tried to roll my eyes at him a bunch of times, and all I got was a slight twitch.

We talked a week or so ago and he told me he got rid of the playroom. He had it re-painted and turned into a guestroom. He mentioned the walls are now a sea blue, and he never knew how hard red was to paint over.

When I asked him why? He said he knew he could live without it. It wasn't really who he ever was. Used it as an excuse to be in control, when he was never really in control of anything.

For some reason, I was kind of disappointed. I might have not liked everything about the red room of pain, but it wasn't all bad. Especially in the beginning before the contract, before things started crashing down.

Dr. Penick told me it was ok to still have a desire for it. She reminded me that not all the aspects of it were bad. That if I wanted to fully be with Christian again, we would both have to open the lines of communication, especially when it came to sex.

I was thankful, that my dad no longer wants to try and kill him. I never really told him what happened with me and Christian. I mainly just told him, I had a hard time adjusting to his life. It wasn't a total lie, just my dad thinks I was talking about his money and the perks that come with it. That I also just didn't know how to fit in and so on.

Even with Christian and I being apart, I feel like we actually got closer. I mean we can spend hours talking to each other, I've learned more about him these last two months then our first two months together.

I finally felt comfortable enough to tell him my past. He listened to me talk for hours. The only negative thing he said, if I can even say its negative, is he wants to hunt Morton down and do, let's say, unspeakable things to him. I don't think his words bared repeating.

Then Christian opened up to me, even though he shared some of his past with me before, he really opened up to what he learned and how it shaped who he was.

He told me he does wonder what would've happened if Bitch Troll never got a hold of him. But, if anything, he got one good thing out of it.

Me.

Everything happens for a reason, right? Rather it's good or bad.

He sends me flowers once a week, with a little note that says something about what he loved about me. Every week it would be something new; from how sexy I was, to him confessing his un-dying love for me.

Who needs therapy when you have _this_ man.

And to think he didn't think he had it in him to do hearts and flowers. The man's heart is so big now, I think it might blow out of his chest.

However, you try telling him that, he blows you off.

I really do wonder what would of happened if he didn't have such a horrid childhood, or the Bitch Trolls claws in him, because his heart is so big and caring. I think it's something that's always lived in him, he just didn't know how to show it. I really do wish he would admit what a good soul he has.

He's loved and supported me, through this whole thing. He never once pushed me to do anything I wasn't ready to do. He listened to me whine and complain, not to mention cry for months. Never once judged me, all while working through his own trails.

And I know it couldn't have been easy for him to tell me, he loves me everyday and not hear it in return. He mentioned that he didn't care, that if I was ever ready, he would still be here. Even if it took forever. Christian just wanted me to know that I was loved, and that he'll be waiting with open arms.

Just the fact that he waited, tells me alot with the change in him and that he really does care for me. Now it's my turn to return, better than ever to his arms, and return those feelings.

Just a couple nights ago, he called me, excited and relieved. I could tell a huge weight had been lifted off him.

" _I have some great news, baby?" Christian tells me his voice animated._

" _What's that?"_

" _The bitch troll has been put away for 45 years. She was guilty of all charges."_

 _He now calls her bitch troll, like I do. He felt she no longer deserved a first name. That made her human, which she wasn't._

" _That's great. I'm so glad to hear that."_

" _I'm finally free of her. I wish you were here so we could celebrate." He says sobering_

I can think of what kind of celebrating I want to do.

" _Me too, but I'm sure your family will celebrate with you. Especially your mom."_

" _That's where I'm headed. I think my mom wants to hire a sky writer to exclaim her joy to the world."_

" _Yes, I can understand that excitement."_

Christian's been spending more time with his family. To say his family is surprised Is an understatement. When Kate came to visit me a few weeks ago, so we could hang out, she told me that Elliot is in total shock to his brother's change. That he's starting to make a real effort to re-build their relationship.

Then when she had family dinner with the Grey's, Christian was smiling and laughing. She had said that Grace was an emotional mess, finally seeing her son so happy. Grace had pulled Kate aside to tell her, to thank me.

Thank me for what? I still don't know. He did that all on his own.

I'm quite proud of him.

Although, Kate reminded me, he really started to change once I came around. Grace thinks I was finally the one to finally help him see that he was worthy of love.

" _Oh, and I kind have also told Kate a bit about what was happening, with the Bitch Troll. Since, it become such big news. Maybe even a little more, with might have happened between us. But, not the um… hard core stuff. I figured if you wanted to tell her it's ok. I think I trust her enough not to go spreading around rumors. I mean with the way her and my brother are going, she'll be family soon. And since she's shown you great support I figured she should know somethings."_

Mind blown.

" _Wow, Christian. You didn't have to. I wouldn't have…"_

" _I'm not ashamed anymore. She was actually quite supportive. I kind of expected her to be disgusted."_

" _She comes off stand-offish, but her heart is good." I tell him._

" _I'm starting to see that now." He pauses for a minute. "So, tell me about your day…"_

X-X-X-X-X-X

I wanted to surprise Christian with my return home. I told him I would be back in two days, so I made sure Kate and Elliot invited them to the apartment. Kate told me he actually said he would be there.

Then on Sunday, I'm going to finally meet the rest of his family.

I can only hope they like me and I don't make an ass of myself.

 _You know like fall on my face; like the first time I met Christian._

Christian waited till after my last appointment to tell his family about the baby. I had asked if he would wait because I wanted to make sure the baby was ok again. I was afraid of jinxing it.

I know he was dying to tell them right away, but he agreed to wait. I mean it was only a month. It's normal for couples to wait.

 _I know he must have read it in one of those baby books he bought. I think he only bought every single own every published known to man._

Plus, I lived in fear thinking that I might have hurt the baby when I wasn't eating and was extremely stressed out.

Christian said his family is over the moon about the new addition, his mom was over the moon about being a grandma, that she's already spoiling the baby. Also, they really can't wait to finally meet me. I mean I will be the first girl he's ever brought home.

 _And I come with child._

I'm just extremely nervous about finally facing the real world again. I kind of have been in my own bubble for two months. I didn't have to deal with real world problems, on top of my own. Now I'm thrusting myself back out there.

No training wheels.

Ana meet world.

But, I feel like I'm in a better place to finally face it all.

I finally feel as like I love myself again.

I feel stronger, my head feels clearer.

I know that I'm allowed to be loved, and also give love.

That sometimes it's ok to be down, sad even. But, I've learned tips to power through those feelings. Sometimes you got to look at the bright side. I hated hearing that in the beginning. It was hard to see light sometimes when everything looks so grim.

Everyday the sun raised again, and I was still here, a little stronger then before.

I had to let go of the lies I was told. Move past the hurt. That I'm worth loving.

And I got there. My light, was the baby.

And Christian.

Knowing we were going to be a Family.

 _My little own family, our family._

I'm trying not to doubt everything when it comes to us. I'm hoping that now we can go forward and have a real relationship.

So, world meet Ana.

New and improved and ready to kick ass.

I might not be perfect, but I can only get better from this point forward.

The only person that can tear me down now is me, and I won't let that happen again.

So, here I am on the doorstep of my old apartment. I had shipped my stuff back a week ago, and my dad drove me here today. He wanted to stay, to make sure I was ok. So, he'll be staying in a hotel for a couple of days.

My father has been my rock during the whole thing. He doesn't judge me, and was always a shoulder to cry on.

He was with me the first time, so he knew most of the reasons I was feeling the way I was.

I ring the doorbell and Kate comes to the door and answers it.

She smiles when she sees me giving me a hug. "I'm so glad you're back, Steele." She pulls me I the door "Look what I found on the doorstep." She announces to Elliot and Christian.

I see Elliot nudge Christian who has his back to me. When he turns around, his eyes grow wide with a hug smile on that handsome face.

"Ana…" He says surprised.

"Christian…are you going to give me a hug?" I ask opening my arms for him.

There's still the thoughts of rejection screaming in my ear. I push that thought down when he comes to me and engulfs me in his arms.

"You're back early…" He tells me in my ear, I'm still gripped in his arms.

"I wanted to surprise you."

"Well, I'm surprised baby." He lays a kiss on my forehead.

But, it's not enough for me. I grab his face and plant a kiss on his lips. His lips mold against mine and he parts his lips to allow my tongue into his mouth.

God, I missed his kiss. For two months, all it's been only light kisses and light touches. Neither one of us wanting to push the other.

We finally break away, and I notice that Kate and Elliot have left the room.

"Now, I have really missed that." He tells me.

"Me too." I grin.

He hugs me again, and we just stand there holding each other.

He run my hands down my face, pushing back enough so he can look at me.

"I love you." I blurt out.

He stands there studying me, and what seems like forever, and I'm fighting the doubts in my head.

He smiles at me brightly. "Oh, baby it feels so good to hear you say that. I love you too. So much."

He runs his hand over my stomach.

I know in this moment we will be ok.

"I love both of you." He whispers before kissing me again.

"I don't think I could thank you enough for staying by my side for these months. You loved and supported me when you really didn't have too. You were going through so much of your own stuff, but you stayed with me. Along with my dad and Kate, you were the one that really helped me through. Knowing you loved me, even when I couldn't say the words. I mean if anything that says the most."

"I will always be here for you, baby. I'm going to stay with you through anything. I also have to thank you, because if it wasn't for you, I would've never started my own search for myself.. I just hate that you had to hit rock bottom for me to really start wanting to be something more."

"What do they say you sometimes gotta hit rock bottom, to start climbing back up. I think it's time for us to kind of start over again with each other. Free from our past and start anew."

"I would like that," He smiles.

Well, there's only one way to do that. "Hi, I'm Anastasia Steele."

I put out my hand for him to shake it.

He looks at me funny and I can't help but giggle at his expression.

He takes my hand to shake. "Christian Grey."

"It's nice to meet you Christian."

"You too. But I should tell you something before we move on."

"What's that?"

"I have some incredibly powerful sperm, so I might have already knocked you up." He winks.

I can't help but giggle at him, yep everything will be ok.

 **A/N: I wanted to end this on a high note. As I stated before, nothing is going to be perfect and they will have ups and downs. But what matters is they have each other now. They got the help I think they needed so they could start over. They have started to heal.**

 **I didn't want to write about them having the baby and meeting the family and etc. because that's not what this story was about. it was about them discovering themselves. Coping and freeing themselves from past demons so they can move to a better life. Learn to be happy with oneself. Fight a monster - and heal. Hope you understand.**

 **To me, this chapter wasn't as perfect as I wanted it to be after everything got deleted. I re-read it a million times, I just couldn't do any more to it. I think I covered everything I hope.**

 **Thank you for joining me on the journey.**

 **The song I think of for this story is** **Martina McBride - I'm Gonna Love You Through It - sure it's about supporting someone through Cancer, but I think the words alone are powerful. That support and love are the most important for anybody struggling with anything in this life.**


End file.
